ama... This word is pronounced with warmth and tenderness. Everyone has a special feeling associated with him. And not only because a mother gives life to a person. Next to your mother you feel protected from life's adversities. You can trust your mother with the most intimate things; she will always listen and give the right advice. Mother will not turn away from you, no matter how bad you are.
A special relationship with the mother is established from the first days of life. Emotional attachment to the mother is the most important psychological “acquisition” of infancy. The harmonious development of the child’s personality directly depends on it.
Scientists call a properly formed attachment to the mother secure attachment.
The baby transfers the model of communication with his mother to the world around him. A secure attachment gives him a feeling of security. It lays the foundation for trust in people. A child with a secure attachment to his mother is proactive, sociable, smart, and calm. A grown-up child does not have problems with social adaptation; he makes acquaintances easily, makes friends, is popular among his peers, is responsive, and inventive in games.
How is attachment formed? In infancy, the baby interacts with his mother an order of magnitude more than with other loved ones. This is due to both physical care, the child’s need for food, and his need for communication. If the mother is attentive to the baby, adequately responds to his feelings, supports his initiative, is always affectionate and gentle with him, the baby “concludes” that such behavior of the mother, such an attitude between him and the mother is the norm. The so-called “working model of oneself” and “working model of interaction with other people” are formed.
The child will subconsciously rely on these models throughout his life. A “working model of yourself” will form a positive self-esteem. The “working model of interaction with other people” will tell you that people can be trusted, they will not cause harm, they are completely reliable and predictable, and you can build relationships with them.
It should be noted that a child urgently needs the presence of a well-known and trustworthy adult in his life, not only at an early age, but throughout childhood. Moreover, in infancy and early childhood this need is especially acute. Researchers note that the presence of a secure attachment at the age of 2-3 years, even if at a later age (4-5 years) it changes to a less favorable type of attachment, will still ensure a high level of development of the child’s psyche and personality.
Determining who a child is attached to is quite simple. An infant's ability to form attachments is innate. From birth to 3 months, the baby addresses signals to any person working with him at that moment. He tries to get a response to signals, evaluates the adult’s response. From 3 months, the baby himself shows an emotional reaction to the person who constantly takes care of him. By 6 months, he already clearly identifies the most important person for himself (usually his mother). He involuntarily looks back at his mother when he is exploring something new, runs to her when he is scared, clings in the presence of a stranger, is upset if his mother leaves, and is happy when she returns.
By the end of the first year of life, a stable type of behavioral and emotional reaction to the mother is finally formed.
Types of attachment
Not all mothers behave correctly with their baby; out of ignorance or carelessness, they can make major mistakes in handling the baby. The quality of attachment depends on the mother's behavior.
A secure attachment of a child to his mother is the only correct, safe option for attachment. All other types of attachment are considered unreliable and insecure.
A child's calm, contact behavior indicates a secure attachment. His mother calms him down quite quickly after mild stress; the child does not behave hysterically, withdrawn, does not push away the mother, does not hide behind her. When separated from his mother, he does not show much anxiety, is interested in toys and other people, and when his mother returns, he rejoices and runs to her. At first, the child is a little wary with strangers, but as soon as the stranger tries to establish relationships, he makes contact. Categorical rejection of strangers, as well as extreme clinginess to them, are signs of insecure attachment.
There is no complete agreement among researchers about the number of types of insecure attachment. There are from three to five such species. Their descriptions, however, are all the same.
Affective, or attachment of the anxious-resistant type
Many have seen children who are very upset when their mother leaves (even to the point of hysteria), and when she returns, on the one hand, they strive for her, and on the other, they behave angrily and angrily push her away.
Such attachment is formed if the mother takes care of the child inconsistently. Depending on her mood, she either kisses and nurtures the baby, or is cold with him. The baby is worried about this inconsistency; it is incomprehensible to him. He tries to achieve proper emotional support by crying, screaming, clinging. If this fails, the baby becomes irritated. He can become angry, hysterical, uncontrollable.
Sometimes this type of attachment is called ambivalent. Ambivalence, that is, duality, characterizes both the behavior of the child and the behavior of the mother. Wanting to console the child, the mother first shows affection, hugs him, offers him a toy, but, noticing that the baby does not calm down, begins to shout at him and rejects him. The baby persistently asks to be held by his mother, but as soon as he gets there, he begins to struggle and tries to be let go.
In fact, this type of attachment is the path to raising a manipulator, a little tyrant. From the mother’s inconsistent behavior, the child will learn that love, kindness, and understanding in this world are not a value at all, and you can always achieve your goal with a good tantrum.
Indifferent or avoidant attachment
Such children are not sensitive either to the departure of the mother or to her appearance. They are not interested in other children or adults. It is difficult to make friends with them, to establish contact - they persistently avoid communication.
Two behaviors of the mother towards the child can lead to this type of attachment:
- The mother is unresponsive, impatient, openly expresses negative feelings about his crying and whims, avoids close contact with the baby (rarely takes him in her arms, does not show tenderness, pushes the child away when he reaches out to her in an attempt to cuddle him, find support). Such mothers are selfish and self-centered. They demonstratively reject those needs and interests of the child that do not coincide with their own interests and needs. To calm the child, such a mother uses toys rather than physical contact and communication.
- The mother overprotects the child, “messing with tenderness” even when the baby does not want it. It happens that a mother is a supporter of early development and spends every free minute with her child. At the same time, she does not listen to the emotional state of the baby, his initiative, but does what she considers necessary and useful.
Both options are united by the parents’ orientation towards themselves, their educational ideas (or lack thereof - if the parents do not think about upbringing at all). For them, a child is not a subject, a person, but an object of education (or an object that interferes with normal life). Such parents do not take into account the real needs of the child.
As a result of this behavior of the mother, the child develops a kind of taboo on emotionality and communication. He is withdrawn, conflicted, has low self-esteem, it is difficult for him to establish contact with new people, and his relationships with loved ones are alienated.
Other types of attachment
There are mothers who neglect their baby and treat it cruelly. In this case, the child cannot draw a definite conclusion about how to behave with his mother, because no behavior is safe. If you observe such a baby from the outside, it is noticeable that he is afraid of his mother (he either “freezes” in one position when he sees her, or runs away from her). This kind of attachment is called insecure attachment of the disorganized type. With such a mother, the child is forced to learn to survive, neglecting any human feelings and relationships, abandoning them in favor of strength. Maybe this is equivalent to a lack of attachment?
These cases are rare, however, any mother needs to be aware of the dangers of an inconsistent, inattentive attitude towards the child. In its extreme manifestation, insecure attachment can lead to pathology - attachment disorder.
Psychologists distinguish two types of attachment disorder:
- Reactive type disorder - the child is excessively fearful, cannot part with his mother, avoids communicating with peers and other adults, is overly wary in the presence of strangers, this wariness does not disappear after maternal consolation.
- Disinhibited type disorder - the child is excessively clingy to all adults indiscriminately.
Psychologists often identify attachment problems in children who are given other diagnoses, such as post-traumatic stress disorder or conduct disorder.
The mother's insincere behavior poses a great danger. In public, she can caress and undead the child, demonstrating her love for him, and in private, when the baby reaches out to his mother for the same affection, reject him.
Many mothers do this not out of malice. Inconsistency is their character trait. They behave this way with everyone: sometimes they are affectionate and sensitive, sometimes they are cold and unapproachable. Such mothers are sincere, but they cause no less harm than “show-off mothers.” After all, the child in both cases cannot predict the mother’s behavior. If such situations are repeated regularly (reinforced by repetition), then an insecure attachment of the anxious-resistant type will eventually form.
The influence of attachment to mother on a child's life
We have found that the only correct type of relationship between mother and child is reliable or secure attachment. According to various studies, it occurs in 50-70% of families.
It turns out that from 30 to 50% of children are raised in unfavorable conditions from infancy. These numbers are worth thinking about.
The experience of rejection by a mother is dangerous and painful. The negative model of oneself and the world formed by such an experience will undoubtedly manifest itself in the child’s entire next life. The attachment of the first years of life is very stable; it is transferred to preschool childhood, school years, and the period of growing up.
A child who did not have a secure attachment to his mother in early childhood is very dependent on the people around him and is passive. His behavior is unstable and contradictory. He is characterized by low self-esteem. He has problems with communication. And the reason for all this is a subconscious distrust of the world and the people around us. Deep down, the child is sure that people are unpredictable, the world is unfriendly, and he himself is not entirely good. This attitude was once laid down by the mother.
It is very likely that in adult life, the emotional and behavioral model determined by the type of attachment of the child to the mother will affect interpersonal relationships and other aspects of life.
Relationships with parents
- Secure attachment: relationships with parents are built on trust and understanding, adult children provide assistance to their parents and participate in their lives.
- Dual attachment: grown children remember their parents only when they feel bad (physically or financially). When children are prosperous, they are almost not interested in their parents.
- Avoidant attachment: Children do not maintain relationships with their parents and do not remember them.
Relationships between spouses
- Secure attachment: an adult is sure that the secret of a happy family lies in friendship and trust between spouses. He is a supporter of stability and long-term relationships. He understands that relationships develop over time and there may be ups and downs.
- Dual attachment: an adult loves passionately, longs to completely dissolve in his beloved. The union of two people, in his opinion, should be close, lovers should be completely absorbed in each other. He's jealous. Believes that finding a soul mate (true love) is very difficult.
- Avoidant attachment: very skeptical about love, considers it a beautiful fairy tale. He is afraid of emotional intimacy and cannot open up to another person.
Attitude towards yourself
- Secure attachment: an adult is characterized by positive and adequate self-esteem.
- Ambivalent and avoidant attachment: grown children are insecure and are haunted by a feeling of being undervalued by the people around them.
Attitude to work
- Secure attachment: such people are confident in themselves and are not afraid to make mistakes. They know how to prioritize and know how to achieve goals. They do not take failures at work personally.
- Ambivalent attachment: Success at work is highly dependent on rewards. Adults passionately desire universal recognition and approval. Because of this, they often mix work and personal relationships.
- Avoidant attachment: grown children tend to “hide behind work” from personal relationships, often their lives are spent exclusively in work. At the same time, they are rarely satisfied with it, even if they achieve excellent results and a good financial situation.
How to form a secure attachment
The “three pillars” on which a child’s secure attachment to his mother rests are stability, sensitivity, emotional and physical contact.
Stability
Attachment is formed quite simply. The baby began to cry, the mother came up to him, took him in her arms, talked tenderly, rocked him, stroked him, fed him. The baby calmed down, felt comfortable, and fell asleep. After a while he woke up in a good mood and was humming. The mother pays attention to the baby, supports the activity, talks to him, changes his clothes, and offers him a toy. More time has passed. The baby is crying again, he asks to be held. The mother takes him, calms him down again, strokes him and rocks him, plays with him.
With such repeated repetitions of the same actions with an unchanged style of behavior, the mother makes it clear to the baby that she is the person who will always come to the rescue, comfort, feed, and protect.
So, the mother’s behavior strategy must be definite and unchanging - stable.
Stability is also necessary in relation to the object of attachment. In our example, the object of attachment is the mother. It happens (often in wealthy families) that the care of the baby is almost entirely entrusted to the nanny, and the mother deals with the baby only occasionally. It is strictly not recommended to change a nanny if the child’s age is from 3 months to 1 year. It is advisable to continue to follow this recommendation. The object of affection (mother or nanny) should not leave the child for long.
Sensitivity
The correct strategy for a mother's behavior should be responsiveness and sensitivity.
No child’s signal should go unanswered. Crying, smiling, babbling, looking - the mother notices them and immediately interacts with the child. Any initiative of the baby is supported, his feelings do not go unnoticed.
Sensitivity means that a mother instinctively understands her child. She knows what the baby wants, why he cries, how to calm him down, what action will be correct in this particular situation.
Often young mothers, having read specialized literature and listened to the advice of their elders, are afraid to trust their instinct. Of course, the mother must be competent in matters of health and education; mistakes are unacceptable here. But there are such subtle areas of interaction between mother and child in which truisms will not help. And here it would be right to listen to yourself and your child, to believe in yourself.
Emotional and physical contact
Any, even the simplest, action with the baby must be accompanied by a persistent positive emotion from the mother, expressed openly and understandable to the child. This emotion is a manifestation of love. Warmth, tenderness, softness, encouragement, approval - the child needs them just like air and food.
Emotional contact must be accompanied by physical contact. Hugs, stroking, cuddling, rocking - all this is vital.
With regard to the quality and intensity of emotional and physical contact, no distinction should be made depending on the gender of the child. it is necessary to treat as tenderly and affectionately as with a girl.
The response to the child's signals must be adequate. It happens that mothers, having heard the baby’s cry, do not console him, considering this to be unnecessary “lisping.” This is not true. Consolation is an appropriate response to crying.
It is important to listen to what the baby himself wants. Any interaction must correspond to the child’s cognitive abilities and mood. You cannot “adjust your child to your own needs.”
Most often, any mother understands her child well and his emotional state. But not all mothers consider it necessary to focus on it. They are of the opinion that a child should do what an adult considers necessary, and that one should not indulge his whims. This is a misconception. Until two years of age, and sometimes even older, moral and ethical concepts are inaccessible to a child. The desires and mood of a child at this age are not a whim at all. The baby needs to be gently guided to the desired, correct actions, switched to them, and stimulated to perform them. Ignoring a child’s initiative and desires, cutting him off abruptly and rudely is unacceptable.
If the mother understands the baby’s emotional state, but does not respond to it adequately, she creates a situation of rejection. Fixed by repeated repetition, this situation will form an insecure attachment of the anxious-resistant type.
Even with normal swaddling, you should not treat your baby like a doll. A child is not an object of care; he, even a tiny and unintelligent one, is a person.
Let's summarize.
In the first year of a child’s life, in addition to direct care for him, special attention should be paid to the formation of a secure attachment between the child and his mother. It will influence him for the rest of his life.
If you are reading this article and realize that time has been lost, that your child is no longer a baby and is characterized by negative manifestations associated with an insecure attachment to his mother, know that the quality of attachment can change over time.
True, changing it will not be so easy. But in life there are different situations, and among them there are almost no irreparable ones. A child of any age will benefit from your open love, unconditional acceptance, sensitive attention and stability in relationships.
Hello, dear friends, readers and guests. Most recently, I talked about opening a Club of Caring Parents, and on February 12, our first meeting took place, which was devoted to the issue of children's independence. Parents have already begun to ask their first questions, and today I would like to talk about the child’s attachment to his mother. I was prompted to write this article by the question that a child at the age of 1.7 years does not allow his mother to take a step. Her daughter needs her presence all the time and does not leave her alone.
I would like to immediately note that this is an absolutely normal situation for any child. It is clear that during the first year of life my mother was tired, because... The baby requires a lot of attention in terms of care, hygiene procedures, and also needs affection and constant physical contact. And so, when the baby reaches the age of 1 year, many mothers hope to relax and expect that the child will demand less attention and be more independent while the mother goes about her business.
But then a month passes, two, three, six..., and the child, having learned to move independently, now does not give the opportunity for privacy at all, even in the bathroom or toilet. The baby’s affection is so great that sometimes thoughts come to mind that something is being done wrong, and the child will never be able to be independent and will not leave his mother alone.
To dispel doubts and worries, I will try to explain how the normal development of a child’s attachment to his mother occurs at different age periods. All data will be based on J. Bowlby's attachment theory.
Phase 1 from birth to 3 months
Immediately after birth, children hear voices and see human faces. During the first weeks of life, you may see babies sometimes smiling before falling asleep. Smiles, of course, are not social, not conscious, and not directed at people. Until about 3 months, your baby will smile at any face he sees.
The main thing is that it is completely visible. The mother's voice or her caress does not have as strong an effect on the baby as her face. Nevertheless, the baby’s smile evokes a reciprocal smile from the mother, who happily responds, strokes the child, and takes him in her arms. Such mutual love increases the chances that the child will be a viable and healthy person.
In addition to smiling, babies establish a connection with their mother and strengthen their attachment with the first babbling, crying, clinging and sucking. All these actions, actions and reflexes encourage the mother to interact with the baby and establish contact with him.
Phase 2 from 3 to 6 months
Starting from 3 months, the child’s behavior changes significantly. Many reflexes disappear, and social relationships become selective. From now on, children consciously smile at the sight of a familiar face, while strangers arouse suspicion. Babbling and humming appear only in the presence of those adults who are constantly nearby and are well known to the kids.
Most often, children single out 2-3 people they know, where one of them (most often the mother) stands out especially. The strongest attachment arises for the person who most readily responds to their signals and participates in various pleasant procedures with the baby.
Phase 3 from 6 months to 3 years
Around 6 months, the baby's attachment to his mother gains momentum and becomes intense and exclusive. At this time, children actively protest if their mother leaves their field of vision. They begin to cry, showing their dissatisfaction and anxiety. After the mother returns, the baby reaches out to her, wants to be in her arms and is very happy if the mother responds to his calls and rejoices at the reunion.
Children are already beginning to be afraid of strangers and new situations. Also, by this time, children are able to crawl, so they make additional efforts to maintain contact with the missing parent. As their motor capabilities expand, children actively follow their parents and demand to be held.
at 1-2 years old, children can move not only towards their parents, but also away from them. At this age, a vigorous research interest awakens, therefore, on a walk or in a room where there are toys, babies, after standing next to their mother for a certain time, make their attempts to explore the world on their own. At the same time, he will often turn back or return to her to find support in the form of smiles or glances. If at the same time the mother does not notice the baby or, even worse, is about to leave, then the baby will certainly follow her.
Until 2-3 years old, babies are very dependent on their mother and are worried about the need to constantly be with her. At this age, they do not accept any plans and goals pursued by their mother. For example, if you tell a 1.5-2 year old child that mom went to the store for 5 minutes, it will not change anything. The child will still want to go there with her.
And only at 3 years old can we say that childhood is over and the child is able to act as a partner. At this age, the baby already has some idea of plans and can imagine what mom will do when she goes to the store. Accordingly, at this time the child is more willing to let his mother go on business.
I hope there is now a little more clarity on this issue. And the bewilderment and worry that the child will forever remain dependent and immature will pass.
Photo Legion-Media.ru
For some children, the period of hyper-attachment passes quite quickly and almost painlessly. But some babies, usually between the ages of 10 months and 2-3 years,... Going to the shower, to the next room, or going to the store is always accompanied by deafening crying. The child grieves, does not let anyone near him, and then does not leave his mother for a long time after her return. Increasingly, the baby demands his mother’s attention and closely monitors all her movements around the house.
Causes of children's attachment
I'm not talking about those situations when the baby was left with a stranger, for example, with a new nanny, or about those cases when the child was very scared. Here we will look at situations in which a child categorically prefers his mother even to very close and well-known relatives with whom he recently had an excellent relationship.
It is much easier to leave a two-month-old child with his grandmother, even overnight, than, say, a one-year-old child. The baby just needs care and he doesn’t care yet who provides this care. But the one-year-old needs his mother specifically, and his grandmother may not suit him: she will whine and call her mother.
The reason for this behavior lies in the child himself, because he has actually just begun to recognize himself as a separate person from his mother. And since mom and he are two different people, this means that mom can leave for good. So the baby is afraid of losing her, because for him the concepts of time and space do not yet exist. Therefore, the child perceives even her short-term departure as a tragedy on a universal scale: he does not understand that his mother is not leaving him forever, but only for a certain time.
In addition, there are several other reasons that can provoke such behavior in a child.
Firstly, such a painful attachment of a child to his mother can be provoked by the mother’s excessive care. In this case, the child feels that he is surrounded by danger on all sides, and the only person who can protect him is his mother.
Secondly, a child can demonstrate such behavior if some tragedy has occurred in the family - or the death of someone close. If one of the significant adults suddenly disappears from a child’s field of vision, he may develop a strong fear that his mother will also mysteriously disappear.
Thirdly, a child’s excessive attachment to his mother may arise due to the indifferent or cruel attitude of other adults towards the child. If, for example, the child’s father continually shows the baby “who’s boss,” then with this behavior he provokes the child to become excessively attached to his mother.
What to do with children's attachment
Depending on the situation, there are several ways to solve this problem. If you feel that you are going too far with your guardianship, let him, as far as possible, experience the world through his own personal experience. Praise him for any manifestation of independence. You put on your pants, hat, socks - what a great fellow you are! I ate porridge or soup myself - wonderful! He put away the toys on his own - that’s what mom’s assistant is growing up like!
If your family has recently lost someone close, then it is necessary to convince the child as often as possible that the mother will not go anywhere and will always be there. Gradually, the child will get used to the fact that the mother, when she leaves, always returns. In this case, you should absolutely not leave home by deception: if the mother leaves without saying goodbye, secretly from the child, he is even more frightened when he discovers that his mother has unexpectedly disappeared.
Dad, or other relatives who treat children harshly or indifferently, need to be convinced that the child, due to his age, is not yet able to understand and accept the necessary rules of behavior. Therefore, if a child has done something wrong, it is not at all necessary to punish him, because you can simply explain his offense in words.
I thought that my daughter would throw a tantrum and not want to go to kindergarten. When I was 2 years old, she was terrified of strangers - to the point of hysterics, at the mere glance of a stranger. But I went to kindergarten very calmly, after 3 days I stayed for a daytime nap, and a week later for the full day. For the first months she kept herself apart, but then she learned to be friends and play with children, and stopped shying away from adults so much.
Try to take your baby out into the world more often. Try to find him friends with whom he will be interested, go to visit and invite guests to your home. Let the child know that the world around him is not only mom, dad, grandmothers, but also. Enroll your child in a development center, in this way you will achieve two goals at once: you will have fun and useful time with your child for development, and at the same time you will find new friends.
Walk with your baby more often in new, interesting places - in neighboring yards, in a park or a forest. Let the baby see how huge, interesting and diverse the world around him is.
If the baby is sensitive to the mother’s care, then you need to show patience and wisdom. The most important thing is that there is no need to scold the baby for his tantrums and screams. Have pity on him - after all, he is simply very afraid that his mother will leave and not return.
Personally, I gradually accustomed my children to my absence. For example, she casually said that I needed to leave for a while, and left the apartment for just a couple of minutes. As soon as the children began to show concern, she immediately went back. We hugged them as if after a long separation, I praised them for their perseverance and courage, told them how bored I was without them, and after that we continued to go about our business. After some time, I could already calmly, knowing that they would not cry about my absence. And, of course, when I came home, I always brought my kids some kind of toy or treat.
Be patient, and sooner or later the child will understand that there is no need to be afraid of the mother leaving, because she always returns to her baby.
Everyone also told me that my son was too attached to his mother.
Grandmothers were tortured with advice, it was just terrible.
You know, a child will always have time to say: “Mom, I myself,” “Mom, don’t need this or that.”
Now mine is 9 years old. Independent person. And no problems.
And at 3 years old, the child still needs you. You'll see, everything will change soon.
Then we will still run after them, persuading them to stay with us :o)
I had a similar situation with my daughter. Everywhere she wanted to be only with her mother, she slept with us. But I suppose that an ordinary garden in Russia played a role. I went to 2.7, not without tears. At first nothing, but then she stopped sleeping (although it was clear that she was nodding off). The last straw came when she peed in her crib in the kindergarten. Although she has been asking to go potty since she was a year old, there have been no misfires at all since she was 2 years old. I don’t know whether they intimidated her there, or whether the callous atmosphere, in general, took her away. We spent 4 months at home. Now he goes to the private garden with great pleasure. But even before lunch it was difficult to start driving - she was constantly crying and wouldn’t let me go. The first week I was with her, then I left her for an hour or two, then from 9 to 12 - and in this mode for more than a month. Yesterday I tried to sleep for the first time, it seemed normal. This training at this age requires a lot of moral investment for the mother, plus the teacher must be loving and treat the child as his own. Our teacher believes that the best age for a tearless trip to kindergarten is from 1.5 to 2.5 years. And after three, it is believed that only at five years old a child is ready to painlessly separate from his mother. We were lucky with the teacher this time. She did everything so that the child did not feel like a stranger. They often hug the children there, the children hug each other, say how much they love and miss them if we suddenly missed a day. This is not just a baby sitter - they don’t even have time to sit down there, the children are constantly busy. So children have no time to be bored alone in a corner. If you manage to find such a place, it will go fine over time, it will just take longer to get used to.
“The teacher believes that the best age for a tear-free trip to kindergarten is from 1.5 to 2.5 years. And after three, it is believed that only at five years old is a child ready to painlessly separate from his mother.” - some stereotypes. The teacher just heard it and now repeats it like a mantra. What about working with the child to adapt? (I’m not talking specifically about yours, I’ve just often heard this from teachers. Give them either someone who cannot yet clearly express their desires, does not yet know how to do it, or someone who has gone somewhere and can " separate from mom)
I don't think that's the stereotype she heard. Our teacher is also the owner of the kindergarten for more than 10 years. Previously, she worked in public gardens. And you somehow misunderstood me - she does not repeat this like a mantra. She took on our difficult daughter without any reservations. She conveyed this information to me so that I myself understood that in order to adapt, I need to work a lot, productively, and not only for her, but also for me as a parent on my part (confidence was required from me, because this is the only way a child feels all doubts). The disadvantage of Russian kindergartens is precisely that no one will work with the child to adapt. Moreover, the contract stipulated 7 days of my presence during the initial period, but they didn’t let me in.
I understood your words perfectly. and I realized that you and the specialist were very lucky this time. She’s great for being able to do it herself and convey to you that she’ll have to work. Yes, sensitive children very clearly write off their parents’ condition, that’s for sure!
I’m talking about our ordinary reality, when, as you say, no one works with the child to adapt. and repeat the same thing - a difficult period. you should have brought it earlier or / bring it later. I think these are excuses for not working at full capacity.
you have no problems. The problem is the teacher, who cannot interest the child in such a way that the child remains in the group.
at 3 years old it’s normal to rush to see mom)) and at 4 years old it’s normal if the child doesn’t like it there.
I don’t consider my child a mom, because I accept her desire to be with me all the time. people around (relatives), of course, say that she is her mother’s daughter. It's entirely their problem that their stereotypes. not mine. The child needs this for some reason, I’m sorry or something, I’ll give it to him. At the age of 4 I went to kindergarten (3 times a week for three hours). I wanted it because it was interesting, but I didn’t want it because I was without my mother. We have a miracle psychologist who worked with children for several months to adapt them to the team. There's no way to drag her out of there now. I believe that if you take such a sensitive child somewhere, then you need to look at the teacher, whether the child will have contact with him or not, whether the person loves his job or treats it as making money - this also depends on whether the child will be a “mommy” or go study)))
I think it’s also a matter of the number of children: if there are 2-3 people in a group, the teacher has time to devote time to everyone, if more, not, especially if it’s drawing and appliqué, where three-year-olds are still not very good at it and they need the help of an adult. So the teacher says, while I sit with him and glue, he’s fine, if I’m a little distracted by another child, he goes straight to his mother. And the other activity, where children jump and play, like physical education, my son does well, because it’s very exciting and the teacher is smarter. And this is still progress for us, because we went to other development centers, where they couldn’t interest the children at all and an hour and a half passed with difficulty, the children ran away to see their mothers. And here these one and a half hours fly by.
Of course, they still need feedback from an adult, they live by it. you are a mother, you know better where and how best to go. I just want to support you that there are no deviations)) well, such a child. For a teacher with a large number of children, it is clear that it is more convenient if everyone does everything the same way and does not run away. but they are alive and all different)) if you are going to the garden, look for one that suits you. Over the summer, the child will grow up and become even more independent. but the fact is, yes, it is better when there are fewer children in the group. then they get more attention. There are 5 people in our group. often goes 3-4.
This is absolutely normal for the child and inconvenient for the teacher. In general, why are you surprised that your child feels good with you? If he feels insecure, but sees support in you, then of course he comes to you. I think this is great. I was “disturbed” when the kindergarten teachers blamed me in such an inspector-like manner, “she’s probably fine at home.” How should it be? Badly? So don’t worry and trust your child.
I’m 3.4 - I haven’t dreamed of any kindergarten, even for half a day, and I haven’t dreamed of it since September. She doesn’t accept any adults at all yet, except me, dad and grandma. Now we’re off to class, but I don’t even know when I’ll be able to walk out the door. It’s just that all children are different, you should always remember this. When we come to the children's room, and all the children there, who are half their age, are running around without their mothers, I always think that this does not mean that there are no more children like mine. They are simply not brought to such places.
I had a son like this at this age. During all classes I had to sit next to each other in the group for a long time - the first couple of months. I also wanted to force it somehow, but now (he’s almost 8) I understand that it’s just his nature. Now he can get along quite well without me :)
I won’t say anything about the garden, we didn’t go, but a private one for 3 days, it seems to me, is a completely gentle option. need to try.
Well, I definitely don’t tear it off by force)) otherwise I would have already gone to the garden. For the purpose of socialization, we live in our own house and there are no children nearby, our son has no communication skills. Especially this team is like in a sandbox)) He wasn’t particularly interested in children before, but now he wants to communicate and it’s noticeable.
What should parents do if they the child is very attached to his mother? A strong attachment to the child’s mother is not a reason for parents to worry and can be corrected.
How to overcome anxiety in a second-year child due to separation from his mother
Your baby loves you more than anyone in the world and confesses his love to you in a million ways. It's cute, of course. However, many mothers with children older than one year are concerned about such a super-strong attachment of the baby. It often comes to the point that the mother cannot leave the child even for a moment, even to the point of being unable to go to the toilet.
But don't worry so much about this. Psychologists reassure that this will soon pass. It’s just that your child has entered another phase of development, and his heightened sense of anxiety in the second year of life is completely natural. Most children experience anxiety to varying degrees. Only some experience it very intensely, others barely noticeably, and only a small number of healthy two-year-olds do not experience this feeling at all.
It has not been fully established what exactly causes anxiety in children during this period. It is only known that all such manifestations should soon pass on their own.
Why is a child so attached to his mother?
Where do these things come from? Firstly, around the time the baby turns 6 months old, he begins to understand that he and his mother are not one. In this case, a completely normal reaction of the baby arises in the form of fear that a loved one may simply leave him, so he becomes strongly attached to his mother.
Secondly, a child thinks somewhat differently than we adults. For most adults, a typical saying is: “Out of sight, out of mind.” A child thinks completely differently. If the baby doesn’t see us, for him it means that for us it simply doesn’t exist. This consciousness unpleasantly frightens the little man. After all, the baby, who is more and more confidently walking along the path of independence and independence, nevertheless still needs us greatly.
How long does separation anxiety last?
Experts say that if we talk about the timing of the cessation of anxiety in a baby, then the culmination of this condition is the child’s age of about 1.5 years. The cessation of increased anxiety in children usually occurs by 2.5 years.
How to help a child who is strongly attached to his mother
Let's start with the fact that one should not make the main mistake of many parents: “sneaking away” from home without the baby noticing. Parents do this most often to avoid the child crying or becoming hysterical. This tactic, of course, is convenient for parents. However, as a result, children's fears can only get worse. After all, when a parent suddenly flees, the child thinks that the mother can disappear at any moment without any warning or goodbye. As a result, the baby tries to further strengthen his constant control over his mother, so as not to lose sight of her under any circumstances.
Despite the fact that the child has a limited vocabulary and little life experience, he already understands a lot. It is the parents who are responsible for teaching the child to be able to act correctly in various life situations. It is important to teach your child the basics of behavior at various points in life. This will help him not to be afraid, but to predict the outcome of different life moments and master reality without much stress. Subsequently, these skills will be useful to the matured child both in relationships with the opposite sex and in future family life.
Parents need to warn their child if they need to go out for a certain time or leave. At the same time, you should tell us for what purpose you are traveling and what you will do. It is also important that these words are spoken without sad overtones. After all, nothing bad or unusual happens. On the contrary, time spent with a nanny or grandmother is an excellent opportunity to get a lot of different pleasures! The child most likely will not be delighted with this prospect at first. However, he will still have to face it.
So, before leaving home, you need to say goodbye to your baby. Do not overdramatize an ordinary farewell and turn it into terrible scenes of farewell to life. When parting with the baby, it is important for the mother herself to maintain a smile and drive away sad notes from her voice and mood. It is important to smile and remain calm even when the child throws his usual tantrum. Try to convince your offspring that as soon as you finish your business, you will immediately return home. In the future, you can learn to say goodbye to your baby with some funny phrase that helps relieve unnecessary tension. After this, you need not to delay the moment of separation, but just get out.
If the child is busy with some exciting game, he will not be focused on parting. When the time comes for you to leave home, go up to your baby, kiss him and say a short “bye.” After this you need to leave immediately. Even if the baby starts crying, this should not force you to return. Don’t worry: very soon the child will understand and get used to the fact that a parent leaving home does not mean anything bad, and that it is not scary at all. Over time, after you leave, the baby will quickly return to the game he started and forget about all the troubles.
The farewell procedure is always easier when the child has the prospect of a walk or going to the playground. Therefore, instead of driving the baby home and leaving him under the supervision of a nanny, if possible, it is better to leave the house together. In this case, you will go in your direction, and the baby with the nanny (or aunt, grandmother, neighbor) will go in theirs. Make sure your baby knows when you will arrive and when he can find you at home.
Give your child your photo
In fact, this is a rather controversial idea, but it often works. You can leave your child a photo of yourself or some other thing that he associates with you. Unfortunately, this recommendation is not suitable for all children. This advice is not suitable for some children, as it acts in the opposite way. After all, even adults, when looking at the portrait of a loved one who is not with us now, may experience unpleasant feelings and emotions.
Focus on adaptation
If you are leaving your child with a new nanny, he will need to stay home with her for a day or two. During this time, the baby will be able to get used to the new person and assign him the status of “one of his own.” Try to start leaving your baby with the nanny only after establishing good contact with her. It is better to do this every time the baby is enthusiastically playing or reading with the nanny. Ask your nanny to learn how to find interesting things to do together with your baby: read books, draw, assemble a construction set, or build a tower out of cubes. Make sure your child speaks well of the new person in the house. This will allow you to leave your baby only with trusted people and avoid unnecessary psychological trauma.
