If separation has become inevitable and both partners have decided to take this step, then most likely the question will arise: “How to continue to live and what to do?” Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists say that a person subconsciously views it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of separation.
The first is denial of reality
The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they have parted with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and that sooner or later everything will be the same again. He thinks that his significant other will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.
The second is anger at a loved one.
The stages of experiencing separation are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Indignation gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of not wanting to maintain the relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some people skip the second stage and immediately move on to the third.
Third - bargaining and hope for the best
Trying to resume a former relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, while going through the stages, a man sets himself certain deadlines (intervals) during which he will have a chance to make peace and renew his relationship with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he tries to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.
Fourth - depression and apathy
Awareness of one’s helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that denying separation is pointless and nothing can be fixed. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, and sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.
Fifth - life from scratch
Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, and stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strength and hopes for a bright future appear.
Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last from three months to three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.
Factors and reasons
The stages of accepting a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the hardest thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And while some experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, others are once again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.
Experiencing separation from a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to an already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if it was suggested by the ex-partner, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one’s own dignity is added. The thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed you are thrown out of your usual rut in life.
The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, and start a new happy life.
The sooner a person lets go of his loved one, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painful the separation stage will pass. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on them the sad patterns of the past: by letting go, sooner or later you will find the much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.
If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise doing an analysis of the relationship, and it is important to remember not only negative, but also positive moments, as well as what led to the separation. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent mistakes from being repeated in the future.
The former partner’s reluctance to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what was wrong in the relationship.
with a man
The stages of separation in women are characterized by more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases where representatives of the fairer sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.
Psychologists advise girls in a particularly difficult situation to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as many positive emotions as possible, being strong and independent.
By acting on this principle and, as it were, living through a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your mental balance, but also find a new partner who can heal all mental wounds.
Another important factor in happiness is praise and admiration for yourself. It’s no secret that it’s quite difficult to love yourself again while experiencing separation. Self-love is the point without which the fifth stage cannot pass.
Forgiveness and acceptance
A very important moment in the second stage of separation for men is forgiveness of the former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.
In order to survive this difficult stage of life, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Don't humiliate yourself and don't try to get him back. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.
The longer the love union, the harder it is to survive the separation and go through all the stages of separation. In this case, psychology offers a lot of training that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into oneself. For example, separation is a chance to fulfill an old dream, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start a new life. With a breakup, no matter how sad it may sound, more time appears that can be spent visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, and enrolling in various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not give in to despair.
The longer, the worse
Getting over a breakup after a long-term relationship is always more difficult than breaking up a fleeting romance. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide on before. Failure in your personal life is to achieve heights in your career and become a true professional. This is a time of travel and fulfillment of desires. The opportunity to fulfill a childhood dream, take up dancing, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble airplane models.
When experiencing a breakup with a loved one, the main thing is not to become despondent and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with family, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that existed before. No matter how interesting a person may be with his interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.
Breakup with the woman you love
Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and strength of character. But when it comes to breaking up a relationship, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and on the initiative of a woman, emotions become very acute. It is especially difficult for men who are emotionally dependent on their significant other to survive separation. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the emptiness inside with compliments and pleasant words.
Typically, men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why, when the adrenaline in the blood is off the charts and rage is trying to get out, it is likely that the stages after a breakup in men will be accompanied by:
- drinking alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain;
- playing sports, sometimes to the point of complete exhaustion of the body;
- promiscuity (a person asserts himself at the expense of others);
- traveling by car or motorcycle at high speed.
Family psychologists argue that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negativity that occurs in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more susceptible than the female.
Self love
The stages in men and women are approximately the same. During this difficult period, the main thing is to love and learn to respect yourself again, because how we treat ourselves is how others treat us.
Having loved and accepted himself, a person will be able to move on and meet someone with whom he will share his feelings.
Only after time can one understand that the break was necessary and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous one.
In order to go through all the stages of separation as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:
- enjoy every moment and rush to fill every second of your life with meaning, interesting events and new people;
- Separation is something that every person goes through, so sometimes you just have to gain strength and be patient;
- stop looking for shortcomings in yourself and believing that someone is better and more worthy than you;
- Do not write, call or stalk your ex-lover under any circumstances;
- delete the data of your ex from social networks and the phone book, do not follow his/her life and do not communicate with mutual friends;
- don’t be alone, visit as many interesting places as possible;
- sign up for a fitness class, a swimming pool or a sports club;
- learn something new;
- make interesting acquaintances, do not refuse dates;
- devote as much time as possible to interesting and important things;
- change your look, buy new clothes, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories.
The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.
You can also find interesting tips on how to survive the stages of separation on numerous forums.
To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:
- If the separation was initiated by your ex, do everything to make him regret leaving you.
- If the relationship is going downhill, break up with your other half first.
- Behave as confidently as possible when meeting with mutual friends; they should not know that separation is bothering you.
- Stop feeling like a victim.
- Do charity work.
- Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
- Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
- Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future it will help you build a happy union.
- Change your surroundings, start traveling.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of separation are much more difficult for men than for women.
- Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.
It is important to remember that men and women have very different views on relationships. And therefore, only that union can develop successfully in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, starting a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any moment and find a solution to the problem together.
Life is undoubtedly a beautiful and amazing thing and an excellent school for educating and changing yourself. But no matter what the adherents of positive thinking say, the lessons at this school are sometimes very difficult. It is difficult to find a woman who has not come into contact with loss and pain in her life. One of the most powerful experiences is parting with a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all, each at our own speed and nuances, go through certain stages when experiencing a breakup.
Stage one: “no”
The final point has been reached: this man is no longer in your life. We are experiencing a state of enormous stress, and the brain cannot yet digest the information received. Man is essentially a very conservative creature - this is especially true for women, who strive for stability more than men. And even if the relationship has long since cracked, many do not realize until the last moment that the end may one day come. Joint goals and plans, hopes, dreams, memories - all this is very precious and cannot disappear from our consciousness just like that. We find ourselves in a stupor and full of thoughts like “no, this can’t be, this is some kind of mistake, this can’t happen to me.” In terms of the strength of the effect, what we feel at this moment is similar to a sudden and very sharp turn on a high-speed highway or a blow to the head. And then the most interesting thing comes: the awareness of what is happening with all that it entails comes.
To support yourself during this stage, don't hesitate to ask for help and share your feelings. During the period of denial, I really want to find a lot of evidence that what happened is just a mistake, a “failure in the matrix.” Sometimes these attempts turn into such huge castles in the air that the loss of these new illusions becomes a source of new pain. It is important to speak out and share with people who understand you. And it is much easier, with this support, not to drown in illusions and begin to accept what happened in reality.
Stage two: anger
What do we do when we encounter something that hurts? First of all, we try to get rid of this source of pain. And at that moment when the prospects for a rosy old age together suddenly suddenly cease to exist, this pain is oh so multifaceted and strong. All grievances are remembered, they are joined by half-lived stories from the distant past and disappointments from the recent past in these relationships. At this stage, emotions are overflowing, and we are literally tossed from side to side. The range of thoughts and experiences that arise is simply incredible. Then tears and anger over the fact that the world is so unfair and has taken away something very dear. That is hatred for a still loved person. Then fear and again anger due to the fact that life “without him” is completely impossible. All these experiences are accompanied by a significant release of energy. On this wave, I really want to change something as quickly as possible, convey it, prove it, or punish it with equivalent pain. The situation is aggravated by a huge number of fears and anxieties, which sometimes makes it difficult to choose the best courses of action. During this period, we tend to do many things rashly and further aggravate our own situation.
At this time, it is important not to lock your emotions inside yourself, as well as not to let pain and fear deprive you of the remnants of your sanity. Use every possible but safe way to let them out. All sorts of psychological techniques, which are a dime a dozen and freely available, can also help here. Fortunately, emotional outbursts, even at this acute stage, still go through their peaks and valleys. This means that you can track them, like the tides of waves, and have time to “catch” them, that is, you can live through this pain a little easier. If a crisis moment comes, then it makes sense to bring your feelings into some kind of action: scream, beat a pillow, play a samurai who defeats his enemy, etc. Setting internal alarm clocks helps many people. Feeling the approach of the next “wave”, you decide to completely surrender to your grief, anger and pain, but only, for example, for half an hour. It is very important to understand that the feelings you experience are a normal human reaction to what is happening. And it is important to find a way to live them without causing harm to yourself and those around you.
Stage three: attempts to “fix”
After the intense emotions have subsided a little, we make some kind of internal decision about what we will do next. Most often, this is an express analysis of everything that happened in the relationship, and no less urgent attempts to correct mistakes. A completely insignificant “flaw” is declared to be the true cause of the breakup. And immediately attempts begin to return everything to its place, correcting the “cause”. So someone begins to attack their ex with tearful conversations and messages about how they will do anything to please them. Some people suggest making do with a temporary break in the relationship and looking for a compromise in order to become a couple again. Someone chooses the winding road of “friendship with an ex” in the hope of one day cunningly and unobtrusively conveying to him that happiness is possible only with one woman. Simply put, we are bargaining. We bargain with ourselves, with God, with a man. We are looking for options to ease our pain, to make the hole that has formed inside a little smaller in size and a little less sore. We want hope and do not want to come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be returned. Although deep down we still understand that we will have to accept the fact of the breakup, let go of the past and somehow rebuild our lives. It also happens that the breakup turned out to be a mistake, and people get back together. But this is also a new relationship.
With some part of our gut we have already accepted what happened. But connections, attachments and memories remain, which again and again return to attempts to find a way to mend the broken vessel. After all, even if it is broken, it is already ours, dear, familiar. At this stage it is important to set priorities. And in this system of priorities, no matter how difficult it is, you and your life come first. The search for mistakes and “flaws” from this perspective no longer turns into a desperate attempt to collect the fragments of the past, but becomes an opportunity to further build your life with some new understanding. Look for what helps you cope with obsessive thoughts, start filling your life with what brings you at least a drop of joy. Of course, we are not talking about alcohol and other pseudo-stimulants - such experiments do not end very well. If you want to start another conversation, find another “way out,” then you can, for example, come to an agreement with yourself and, like Scarlett O’Hara, “think about it tomorrow,” or at least postpone for a while another attempt to write an SMS.
Stage four: "vegetable"
In scientific language, this period is called the time of depression and apathy. We spent a lot of energy understanding the situation, fighting it, trying to change it. Most likely, nothing worked - and then emptiness sets in. Emptiness inside, emptiness in desires and aspirations. I don’t want anything, and life seems meaningless. However, everything seems pointless. Some people sit all day with ice cream in their hands in front of the TV. Someone can just lie there all day long. Someone is half asleep and automatically continues to do work and household chores. The pain of what happened can temporarily become a literal physical sensation. Memories, shattered hopes - all this continues to surface, causing tears and other emotions. But the period of depression is characterized by the fact that there is simply no strength for great achievements and attacks of aggression and resentment. At this stage, it would be a good idea to consult a psychologist in order to be able to live through it with the least possible losses.
Stage five: “acceptance”
In general, life goes on. And while you are alive, a lot can change. Under this cheerful slogan, you will have to gather the remnants of your will and, like Baron Munchausen, begin the process of pulling yourself out of the swamp. Any methods will do: creativity, friends, walks, animals, yoga and breathing techniques. Through “I don’t want” and “I can’t” - gradually fill your days with what gives you joy and energy, move every day at least one step forward in life.
And then one day, when we may have stopped waiting, we suddenly wake up in the final stage - acceptance. The birds sing somehow more pleasantly outside the window, the sun shines a little brighter and somehow my soul suddenly feels lighter. A deep understanding comes that life goes on. Past memories no longer bring the same pain; inside, perhaps, gratitude is even born to the world for the experience and shake-up provided - after all, it brought new wisdom and strength. And something new always replaces the old, as the experience of many shows - this new thing is usually at least slightly better than what went away.
When relationships between people become obsolete and a break occurs, a very painful process begins for a person. It is accompanied by feelings of disappointment, sadness and intense mental pain. The loss of a loved one is rarely taken lightly. In this case, a person goes through certain stages and stages of ending a relationship. Each of them is characterized by the emergence of various, mostly negative, emotions.
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- denial of what happened;
- anger and hatred towards a partner;
- bargaining and hope for reconciliation;
- depression and apathy;
- acceptance and starting life from scratch.
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Emotional stages during separation
In psychology, the separation of lovers is defined as the loss of a relationship. American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross compiled a plan for the stages of experiencing a breakup before the emergence of new feelings with a guy or girl. There are 5 stages of depression after a breakup:
These stages are the same for both men and women. And differences in behavior are determined by individual qualities and habits. People show the same emotions in different ways.
The first stage is denial and disagreement
It is difficult to comprehend the separation and believe what happened. People hope to the last that they will make peace with their other half and start all over again, that their loved one will call and say that there was no separation. The mind is aware of reality, but all feelings seem to have frozen. This period can last from 3 weeks to 1.5 years.
Stage two - anger and aggression
After realizing that the partner has abandoned, indignation sets in, which turns into anger. Accusations and negative statements against the former lover begin. The desire to have something in common with him disappears. Aggression can also be directed at oneself. But there is no need to restrain yourself, as the resentment can remain for life. This period lasts several months.
Third stage - bargaining and dialogue
Numerous conversations with yourself begin. Options for the development of events are being considered. A person tries to understand what he did wrong, to imagine what would have happened if he had behaved differently. People are trying to create the illusion of an incomplete break. At this stage, they begin to blame only themselves for everything, and consider their partner to be ideal.
Stage four - depression
The person realized that it would not be possible to return the relationship, and the breakup occurred. Due to heavy thoughts, sadness, melancholy and depression occur. Mourning a loved one and missing the past, a person simply exists. Everything is colorless and it seems that life is over.
Fifth stage - acceptance
Gradually, the feeling of loss begins to recede, and the desire to change your life for the better appears. All grievances are forgotten. A person strives to start new relationships and make acquaintances.
How to survive separation from a man?
The stages of depression during separation in women are longer and more emotionally expressed. There are cases when they could not overcome this stage for more than 10 years.
To cope with this condition, experts recommend creating for yourself the image of a successful, strong girl and getting used to it as much as possible. Try to experience as many pleasant emotions as possible. If you adhere to this rule, you increase the chance of finding a new partner for a relationship. This will help heal your mental wounds.
An important point is self-respect and self-love. If a woman does not value herself, then men will especially not pay attention to her.
How to recover from the loss of the woman you love?
Men experience breakups more acutely. They are usually reserved and have a strong character. But in a situation where a partner decides to break off the union, the male psyche is more receptive.
