How to solve relationship problems - advice from a psychologist. Difficulties in relationships. How to overcome them? What are the problems in a person's relationship?

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Every person can identify dangerous things that cannot be ignored in a relationship. Cheating, threats and physical violence are clear reasons for breaking up. But what if there are no obvious problems, but the relationship is still burdensome? Distinguishing between a habit and true love can be difficult.

We are in website We have collected non-obvious signs by which you can understand that love has definitely passed.

1. Your partner seems worse than before

In fact, the person, of course, has not changed - your attitude towards him has changed. Constant mutual irritation is a clear sign that it is time to end the relationship.

2. You look for rational reasons to be together.

Sometimes you think about breaking up, but then you remember that his apartment is closer to your work and it’s cheaper to travel together. Plus, your parents like your partner, and your friends are jealous of your “happiness.”

Such thoughts do not say anything about love, but they say that you are simply comfortable being together. It’s better to find the strength to resist inertia in time and get out of an exhausted relationship than to regret years later that you spent your life on the wrong person.

3. You got bored spending time together

Previously, you could be alone for days on end and not get tired of each other. The topics of conversation never ended; you were always happy to hear about how he was doing, or talk about your own. Now your evenings pass sadly: you don’t fool around and don’t hug, but sit in different corners, each with your head buried in your phone.

Such changes can indicate both a crisis and the fact that the relationship has exhausted itself. Perhaps you have simply changed too much and now you are not interested in each other.

4. You trust each other less

You used to tell your partner all the important things. And the unimportant ones too: he knew about your friends, your grandmother and even her dog. Now you are in no hurry to share interesting events, thoughts and feelings, but prefer to deal with them yourself or tell your best friend.

Lack of trust is a bad sign for a relationship. The more partners move away from each other, the more alien they become, even if they live together. Do you feel a spiritual connection?

5. You avoid thoughts and conversations about your future together.

"I think we should get married."
“Why, because that’s your answer to everything?”

Sometimes you think about changing jobs, moving to another city, participating in a volunteer project, or getting a second education. Although global plans entail changes, you are in no hurry to inform your partner about them. You also don't like it when he starts talking about plans together: you make it a joke or change the subject.

A strong relationship is not only about the here and now, but also about a shared future. If your goals no longer coincide, and talking about joint plans only irritates you, then you should think about it.

6. You try to minimize his involvement in your life.

This is not about not bothering your loved one over trifles. You just want to interact as little as possible. Now it has become more convenient to go shopping on his own, even if he has a car. You fell in love with solo walks and travel.

Perhaps you're just a little tired of people. But maybe not from everyone, but from a specific person. Most likely, you should really go on a solo trip to collect your thoughts and understand whether you want to continue being with your partner.

7. Your partner has moved to the bottom of your priority list.

Now it seems to you that there are a million more interesting things in the world than meeting your partner. Would you rather chat with friends, go for a walk or exercise?

If you have begun to perceive communication with your partner as a waste of time and run away from home at every opportunity, then the reason may not be routine, but your cooling towards your partner. Perhaps it is better to devote your time to something more interesting for now, abandoning a boring relationship.

8. You deliberately provoke conflicts

You yourself don’t understand why you take it out on your partner, raise your voice and ridicule him. After a quarrel, you repent and try to make amends, but a few days later everything happens again.

Constant conflicts are a sign of an unstable relationship. You shouldn’t attribute everything to your character, because, most likely, you and this person had a period of idyll and spiritual closeness. Perhaps the love just ended and now you perceive your partner as alien and even hostile, but you are not yet able to admit it to yourself.

9. You don't want to solve problems

You are ready to admit that the relationship is worse than before. But you're not going to do anything about it. Or you are going to, but not now. Now it’s more convenient for you to just step back and wait until everything resolves itself.

Some relationships drag on by inertia - simply because both people are not ready to end them. You don't feel strong enough or motivated enough to fix anything and just continue to live as you are. This approach is dangerous: it sucks you into a routine and deprives you of vital energy. It is better to break up and endure the pain than to live in apathy and torment yourself and your partner.

10. You opened this article

Surely you yourself understand that something is wrong in the relationship, otherwise you would not be looking for such materials and would not read them. Recognizing the problem is the first step to finding a solution. And who knows, maybe all is not lost yet. Cooling of feelings is a normal situation in any couple. The main thing is to be able to distinguish it from more ominous symptoms.

By what signs do you determine that it’s time to end a relationship?

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and based on their responses, I have tried to present the most common relationship problems among couples in this article. I also based myself on my past life mistakes with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility

We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to accept responsibility in a relationship. And what catastrophes lead to the fact that partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what happened due to your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties and give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”

But taking responsibility means coming to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, which means I can influence it!”

I understand how difficult it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you don’t do this, then you will turn away from the problem and it will remain hanging, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

It subconsciously seems to you that by admitting mistakes, you are demonstrating weakness. But in fact, by accepting responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it is much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if you created these causes, is a sign of true courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe that it extends much further than many of you are accustomed to think. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife infuriated you with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then not only your spouse is to blame for starting to unfairly accuse you, but also you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and led to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can force you to get angry, irritated and lose your temper. You are the only one who loses your temper.

If your husband doesn’t want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it: maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. This means coming to realize how much you and your partner can be involved in solving the problem, rather than turning your back on it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, rather than completely shifting it onto your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize his own participation in the problem.

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“I’m so tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You can’t live without your claims!”

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive manner, and it seems to me that they are partly unfair. Let's figure this out. I don’t need to shout, and you need to learn to express your opinion calmly.”

I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. What I'm trying to say is how important it is to solve every problem in a family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not take an active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will collapse.

And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each partner is guided by this simple principle, then developing their relationships and finding a way out of problematic situations will become much easier.

Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended

I know how much I want to hug after the heat of a quarrel has passed, give my tense nerves a rest and calmly forget about what the conflict was about until the next similar one happens. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to analyzing the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you and your spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary excitement caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your fervor will pass. So as not to give up and return to ignoring the problem. Discuss, as specifically as possible, each other's actions aimed at eliminating the conflict. When will you begin these actions? What will these actions be? What approximate timeframes do you see for overcoming the problem?

If one of you constantly loses your temper and becomes overly emotional, start doing practices that help you balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If conflicts occur due to bad habits of your spouse, then find a way to help the person get rid of these habits. But let those who struggle with addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't focus only on what you know. If you don’t know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a method does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because he who seeks will always find! And all the obstacles are created only by laziness.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other, and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next quarrel.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and forgive

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: “look how bad you did, so I won’t talk to you”. Or this could be a way of revenge: “Because you did this, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that with our resentment we have already solved the problem. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have endured a “preventive” period of no communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relationship has restored itself and can continue further.

But this is a deceptive feeling, and it can happen not only to you, but also to your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been resolved.

But it is always better to return to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do this in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue rather than resentment. Well, revenge certainly won’t make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended because they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not say anything about it is just right! Avoid such games! At all Avoid any methods of manipulating your partner’s feelings, one of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and are sincerely repentant. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself and you have made peace, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before this you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

There is no need to do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on his face before your repentance. Be prepared that your apology may be met coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me, time will pass, and your repentance will fall like hard cash into the treasury of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to others, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one actually listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is structured in such a way that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation, or respond to it with counter-criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it really is, we do not see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how valid the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your wounded Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The Ego stung by criticism makes you think: “I feel like I was wronged, I have to respond.” It prevents you from looking at the problem from another person's perspective. But if we first try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take a time out, calm your emotions, silence the wounded pride that again and again brings you back to the grievances of your “I”. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will, like a magnet, attract your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly shift your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn over time to change your egocentric perception of everything.

I can’t say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to see only your fault for what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and perceive criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself: How can criticism help you? Yes, exactly to help. Listening to criticism means not perceiving it as a way to undermine your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to gain insight into your shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to see a doctor for an examination and he told you: “You have poor posture, excess weight and high cholesterol”. It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, you’re not very slim yourself!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor’s words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our other half, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with excess weight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses. it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it doesn’t correspond to reality, what’s the point of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then even more so you should not react with retaliatory accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, intensified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of relationships lies in being able to isolate from it what is really true and use it to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.

Of course, my Self does not accept such a harsh formulation: “Never!” (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you’re exaggerating everything, you’re just distracting me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me.”. But when you try to distract yourself from your Self, a slightly different picture emerges.

Indeed, often, when my wife contacts me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of the relationship in order to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she act like that?)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by it ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions due to which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is due to feelings, but these feelings are understandable. I probably need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not get lost in my own thoughts. I will simply become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me become a better person?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positive aspects

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our soulmate. They become a given for us, and we mostly begin to notice the shortcomings. These shortcomings are seen especially clearly in comparison with other couples. After I had lived with my future wife for several years, I began to think that perhaps we were not suitable for each other, that we were different in many ways. I began to obsess over the differences and shortcomings, and at one time they seemed to represent the only and most significant problem.

And only a few years later I realized how much we actually have in common. And this commonality and similarity manifests itself in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to discern, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances, are to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.

People are different from each other and everyone has their shortcomings. You will not be able to find an ideal person or someone ideally similar to you. You just have to accept it.

Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are similar to him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his intelligence, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Or better yet, tell your boyfriend in words how grateful you are to him for his qualities and how much you love him for it! He will be very pleased; he will see that his merits are appreciated and not ignored. Go ahead and do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but don’t overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he can see how dear he is to you, and that you can discern in him what he perhaps values ​​most in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .

Of course, it happens that your partner is practically nothing but flaws. In this case, there is no need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Something needs to change in the relationship here.

And remember, looking for positive aspects in another person does not mean accepting their shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But you don’t need to use them alone to make up the appearance of a person.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is a wonderful classic serial film by Ingmar Bergman “Scenes from a Marriage”. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, and avoidance of “forbidden” topics can lead an apparently prosperous relationship to collapse.

Don’t bring your relationship to what the characters in this picture brought it to (divorce). Remember, there are no “taboo” topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Tell him what you don’t like in your relationship, listen to what he experiences discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. There is no need to avoid “touchy” issues like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but rather reveal all your past secrets yourself. You also need to maintain a balance in this, just like in everything else that concerns your relationship.

Rule 8 - Develop your relationships by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop on their own once you start them. Relationships require constant attention and involvement of both partners.

Development implies not only strengthening the connection, for example, the decision to live together, marry, or have children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness and separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that can be the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting a new job, does it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, there were no other people with their desires for him. There were his parents who cared for him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his “I”, with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He doesn't even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise and listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that a relationship is some kind of prison, calling a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But that's not true. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “I want” actually leads to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that controls us. Altruism is not strict self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, and self-obsession for the sake of shared happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't build relationships only around sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality, which placed a taboo on discussing sex and belittling its role in the lives of spouses, began to evaporate in the relationships of people around the world, people began to strive from one extreme to the other. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it has considerable significance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be maintained, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and exciting as they would like it to be. This leads them to either break off existing relationships or seek outside relationships. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love; besides it, there are many manifestations of love!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you shouldn’t get hung up on it, believing that the lack of vigorous and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else is fine. Maybe it's not the lack of daily pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the hungrier, voracious and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

The Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how intense sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. To build a relationship around sex is to make it limited, weak, dependent and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. There is no need to look for similarity in everything and suffer due to the lack of it. They asked me today. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse’s beliefs?”

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't believe in, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that’s how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It took me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take the beliefs of my other half with hostility, not to argue about every issue, not to criticize them. I realized how important what she believes in is important to her and I began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

I can’t say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my views and hers with her beliefs. Despite the fact that we agree in many places, there are places where we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you do not need to try to convince him every time of the nonsense he is doing, if it does not cause much harm to the family. If he allows himself to do this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect other people's small and harmless weaknesses. And the height of your generosity and understanding would be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think it’s a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!

Personally, it took me a lot of effort to accept even my wife’s small expenses on esotericism, which, naturally, I considered pointless. But I think I managed to get through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, the way she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whose spouse accuses him of devoting a couple of hours a week to computer games, take it calmly. There is no need to prove to her in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.

I don’t want to say at all that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are to your spouse. But if you just can’t understand it, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and give your loved one the opportunity to enjoy them. But here you also shouldn’t take this principle to the extreme and allow your partner to engage in some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting involved in drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to account for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. There is no need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your own will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to impose yourself too much on your partner. Give him room for independence. You shouldn't try to control his every move and try to fill all your time with being close to him. I understand that this advice is difficult to adhere to for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet with resistance and rejection from your partner. To avoid feeling painfully attached to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. After all, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and be passionate about when your partner is not around. Don’t reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for one’s own independence should not develop into promiscuity and neglect of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you shouldn’t try to spend all your time in each other’s arms, but you also shouldn’t neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your significant other does not pay attention to you at all. How to find balance?

Meetings should not be too rare if you are in a serious relationship, but at the same time, you do not have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want it. If your husband sometimes meets with friends or work partners, then there is nothing wrong with that, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday events after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond the scope. In general, there cannot be precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't play daisy

“Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but I think my strong feelings for him have disappeared.” People often make a big problem out of the fact of lack of feelings.

Don't take weakening feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Don't get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and intense love pass, such is human nature. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not, sometimes you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings at the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. This is the same as building exclusively wind power plants in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I'm not saying that you should completely neglect emotions. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t need to constantly play daisy and try to evoke feelings in yourself. This way, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then go away again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable an element as the wind!

Or perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that the feelings have always been there, just because of your desire for strong experiences, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you temporarily stop seeing calm tones.

The same can apply to your expectations of your partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men, as a rule, are more restrained in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn diplomacy

I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they cannot. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you cannot set him on the right path. You are worried about your relationships and have a very noble desire to fix them. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.

Changing or correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this first hand. For a long time, my wife could not do absolutely anything about my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and immaturity. Of course, I didn’t want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They, to a greater extent than women, are subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they don’t understand something. They do not want to accept other people's help and support, and if they do use it, it is without gratitude.

I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the qualities described than women. Yes, I used to be like that myself. And no assurances must have helped me until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain anything to a proud person, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right, than to correct himself, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will still give some tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person any truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything from his own experience, to see for himself. Create the appearance that your partner reached everything on his own, and not at your direction. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, encourage you to calmly try again and again. There is no need to tell him how bad he is; rather, tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, offer new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn’t work, he will have the right to quit it. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more trust you show in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, and leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, such behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While you certainly can’t trust someone who constantly deceives you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful, don’t let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has betrayed your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They each get used to their own unspoken responsibilities, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! This brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps them feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. That's why give unexpected gifts and surprises, master a skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making this responsibility easier for your wife. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful you can do to please and surprise your spouse. Be inventive and get creative.

Think about what your significant other wants, what can make his or her job easier and make him or her feel good. Here we are talking not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in the life of your partner, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a dead-end relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve your relationship. I believe that it is better to try several times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed decisively, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I encourage everyone to give their other half a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?

But here you need to maintain a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of leading relationships, just like , lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you “do this, don’t do that”, they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct your partner, but at the same time do not press with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow relationships to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear “no.” Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible...

And I realize that despite the fact that in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner systematically behaves in ways that you do not like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, doesn’t manage anger well, lets himself go and doesn’t want to correct himself. If you have done everything to improve your relationship, but your efforts have led nowhere. If you constantly suffer because of other people's insults and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about ending such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and don't have children. Don't worry, you will find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or work as someone's babysitter your whole life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development

The ability to maintain a relationship is determined by the personal skills of both partners: care, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not a market economy, in which everyone can thrive only by taking care of themselves exclusively.

I returned to this issue again because it is the most important. And most problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!

Relationships do not serve to satisfy your pride, lust, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school for self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you gain from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support for you in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, and the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationships at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in constant search, and they can’t find a permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn into failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, or they really doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: it is not only changeable fortune or a poor choice of partners that prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, lack a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or, on the contrary, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

(I'm not going to say that all single people are like this. Not at all. Some of them really like solitude and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against it, it's everyone's personal choice I also want to clarify that if you realize that you have strong problems in your relationship, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality.It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens, and often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the beginning. Every person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I view human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.

On their life's journey, every married couple faces various problems. No matter how much people love each other, each person is an individual, has his own worldview and attitude to life. Differences of views on a particular situation lead to conflicts and protracted disputes, however, if each spouse understands the importance of finding compromises, any, even the most complex problems will disappear by themselves.

Despite the fact that life is replete with a variety of surprises, including unpleasant ones, psychologists working on family relationships identify five main problems that lead to a breakup. These problems do not arise out of nowhere, but accumulate over the years from minor quarrels, misunderstandings and lack of agreement. They need to be resolved in advance, without leading to a fatal outcome.

1. Financial issues

As a rule, people develop an attitude towards money at an early age based on parental example and upbringing. Some people are used to getting everything they want without thinking about any restrictions, while others have been taught from childhood to save money and have a reasonable attitude towards money. When people with polarly different material habits begin to live together, it is difficult to find a compromise and avoid disagreements. Financial problems are especially acute for those married couples in which one earns significantly more than the other. Conversations about financial topics are quite sensitive and unpleasant, but they should not be avoided. It is best to develop a family budget scheme that is convenient for both spouses at the very beginning of their life together. Some young people find it convenient to maintain a joint budget, while others prefer completely separate expenses. It cannot be said that any of these methods of budgeting are better or worse, the main thing is that both spouses are satisfied with them. In addition, absolute trust should reign in financial matters, so try not to hide your income or expenses from your spouse.

2. Distribution of household duties

It is unspoken that household chores should fall on women's shoulders. However, when both spouses work equal hours, this belief seems unfair, to say the least. There is only one way to eliminate this problem - to agree on an equal distribution of household responsibilities. But to prevent household chores from turning into real torture, everyone should do what they like. For example, you like to put things in order in the house, but hate shopping, which means you entrust this responsibility to your partner. If your husband believes that household chores are not a man’s occupation, and you physically do not have time to keep the house clean or do not want to put up with this state of affairs, insist on the need for the services of a housekeeper. If you take on more than you can bear, it will only lead to negativity, which sooner or later will spill out into a scandal. Household responsibilities and everyday difficulties should not interfere with your family happiness.

3. Dominance in relationships

We all dream of equal relationships. But, as a rule, in family life there are two roles - the leader and the follower. It doesn’t matter who takes the role of the leader and who takes the role of the follower. It is important that this distribution suits both spouses. If one of the spouses feels that their partner does not hear him, does not take into account his needs and desires, the family life of these people is doomed to break up. If this problem already exists, it is quite difficult to solve it. However, it is within the power of the spouses themselves, even at the very beginning of their relationship, to learn to treat each other with respect, solve all problems together and be extremely frank in their desires. It is important to see in front of you not only a husband or wife, but a person who needs to be taken into account and who needs to be respected.

4. Sexual relations

Harmonious sexual relationships are the basis of family life. It seems that if people chose each other as their spouses, it means that they are satisfied with everything about their partners. But the problem is that over time people change and, among other things, their sexual preferences change. Moreover, every year sex becomes more and more monotonous and from a symbiosis of romance and passion turns only into marital duty. This problem arises because people are either shy or do not know how to talk about sexual topics. The only way to regain your former passion is a frank conversation and a willingness to listen to your partner’s wishes.

5. Relationships with your partner’s relatives

When starting a life together, we cannot completely erase our past and stop communicating with loved ones. One way or another, the spouse has to build relationships with the relatives of their other halves. Unfortunately, these relationships do not always develop smoothly. However, personal hostility towards one of the partner’s relatives should in no case acquire catastrophic proportions and become a reason for quarrels. And at the same time, young spouses need to limit the influence of other family members on their personal lives. It is important to understand that after the wedding you build your own family, and its happiness depends only on you.

As you live your life together, you will face many other problems. However, before you succumb to negative emotions, answer yourself the question - do you value your relationships and are you ready to do anything to maintain family happiness? If the answer is yes, have no doubt - you will overcome any troubles with dignity.

It is very rare that couples do not have any problems in their relationship. But if you acknowledge up front that there will be disagreements, you'll be much less likely to encounter them.

But even though all relationships have their ups and downs, successful couples have learned to manage them. Some do this through books and articles, attending seminars, observing other successful couples, or simply through trial and error.

Relationship Problem: Communication

Most problems in relationships arise from a lack of communication. You can't communicate if you're checking messages, watching TV, or scrolling through sports news.

Ways to solve problems

• Pay more attention to communicating with each other. If you live together, put your phone on silent, put the kids to bed, and spend some quality time together.
• If you find it difficult to communicate without raising your voice, go together to a public place, such as a park, cafe or restaurant, where you will be embarrassed to shout in front of other people.
• Make some rules. Try not to interrupt your partner while he is talking and avoid using phrases such as “You always...” or “You never...”.
• Use body language to show that you are listening. No need to look at your phone or watch while your partner is talking. This will make it clear to the other person that you understood them, or they will be able to rephrase what was said if necessary.

Relationship problem: sex

Even partners who love each other can be sexually incompatible. Lack of sexual awareness and education worsens these problems. But intimacy is the last thing you should forget about in a relationship. Sex brings partners closer, releases hormones that help our organs, and makes you and your partner healthier.

Problem Solving Strategies

• Plan. Prepare a meeting with your loved one, and not necessarily at night, when everyone is tired. Perhaps on Saturday, when you put the child to bed during the day, or before work. You can ask friends or family members to watch your children over the weekend. Changing your routine will make sex more intense.
• Think about what you really like about each other. You can write lists and exchange them to create more scenarios that appeal to both of you.
• If your problems in sexual relationships cannot be solved on your own, seek advice from a qualified sexologist.

Relationship problem: money

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They may appear due to living expenses or the high cost of a wedding that does not suit one of the partners. Couples who have financial disagreements should take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about it.

How to solve a problem

• Be honest about your current financial situation. If your situation has worsened, offering the same lifestyle is not realistic.
• Do not look for a solution to the issue during a quarrel. Instead, set aside a time that works for both of you.
• Recognize that one partner may be a big spender and the other a bit greedy. But benefits can be found in both cases, so agree to discuss your partner's lifestyle.
• Don't hide your income or debts. Show financial documents, including pay stubs and bank statements. Provide information about debts and investments.
• Don't blame anyone for your financial situation.
• Develop a joint budget that includes savings.
• Decide who will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
• Decide what money you will spend on your own.
• Define short and long term goals. It's okay to have your own goals, but you should also have family goals.
• Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to properly plan for your overall financial needs.

Relationship problem: household chores

Most partners work outside the home, and very often in more than one job. Therefore, it is very important to share household chores fairly.

What to do

• Write down everything that needs to be done around the house and agree on who is responsible for what. Be honest so as not to offend anyone.
• Be open to other solutions. If you both hate cleaning, it may make sense to use the services of cleaning companies. If one of you likes to take care of the house, the other can take care of the yard and laundry. You can be creative about this and take your partner's preferences into account. But it should be fair for both.

Problem: Your relationship isn't a priority.

What do we have to do

• Think back to what you did when you went on your first dates with your partner. Show appreciation, complement each other, and show your interest in your relationship.
• Plan dates. Let them be on your calendar, like any other important event in life.
• Respect each other. Say “thank you” and “I appreciate it.” This will let your partner know that he is important to you.

Relationship problem: conflict

Sometimes conflicts are a part of life. But if they repeat themselves every day, then it's time to break out of this vicious circle. With effort, you can reduce your anger and calmly look at the main issues.

How to solve

• Realize that you are not a victim. Only you decide how to respond to conflicts.
• Be honest with yourself. When you have a quarrel, all your arguments are aimed at eliminating it, right? Or do you want to speak out? If your comments are making things worse, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
• If you still respond the same way as last time, and then it brought you pain and disappointment, then you should not expect a different result this time. Even one small change can lead to a different result. If you become defensive before your partner finishes speaking, wait a few seconds. You'll be surprised how such a slight shift in pace can change the entire tone of a conversation.
• Apologize if you are wrong. Of course, it is difficult, but it is worth trying and you will see what significant changes will begin to occur.
• You will not be able to control your partner's behavior. But you can control your own.

Relationship problem: trust

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that make you not trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting each other?

You and your partner can develop trust by following these tips:

• Be consistent.
• Your words must match your actions.
• Don't lie - even small everyday lies can harm relationships.
• Be honest even during a fight.
• Be considerate of the other person's feelings. You may not agree with your partner, but you must respect his feelings.
• Call to say you'll be home late.
• Don't overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say something you will regret.
• Don't reopen old wounds.
• Don't be jealous.
• Be a good listener.

Even if your relationship is not without problems, there are always things you can do to minimize them, if not solve them completely.

When people are okay with their other half, then this is happiness. This means that people have found a common language and come to harmony. But it happens that relationship problems They go on in an endless series and sometimes it seems that they are so damaged that it is no longer possible to save them. However, do not rush to leave. Difficulties in relationships can be solved if you understand the origins of the problem, identify the main conflict points and unravel this tangle of grievances and mutual reproaches.

Relationship Problems: 5 Reasons

If you hit a low point in your relationship, think about what led to it. It is likely that the source, the root of your problems lies in the following reasons:

1. Condemnation and criticism crowds out expressions of care and love.

Do you treat your partner with kindness? Are you a support and support for each other? Answer yourself honestly: how often do you show care and attention to your significant other, how kind are you to her, do you speak words of love? Relationships heal and heal when people establish a connection that is based on love, kindness, mutual support and understanding. When this is not the case, the relationship quickly falls apart, like loose pieces of a puzzle.

What about yourself? Are you kind to yourself? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you love yourself? The fact is that anger or criticism towards other people often grows out of a critical attitude towards oneself. If you judge and do not love yourself, then you are unlikely to be able to give love to another person.

Start with yourself, learn to treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you. Understand your relationship with yourself, understand that love is born from love, and when you do not criticize, blame or condemn yourself, you will not have the desire to blame or condemn your partner.

2. One of the partners shifts responsibility for their feelings of happiness or unhappiness to the other

There are people who behave like little children. They seem to give themselves, like a small child, into the hands of their partner, as if saying: “Come on, hang out with me!” If your feeling of happiness or unhappiness depends entirely on your partner, this is a reason to think about it and stop shifting your responsibility to another person. It's time to grow up and learn to be happy on your own. These are your inner feelings and only you can influence them. Another person cannot (and should not) be responsible for your well-being, for your feelings, for the state of your mental and physical health. Don't shift responsibility for your happiness to another person.

By learning to make yourself happy, fill your life with colors and emotions, you can restore your relationships. Don’t be afraid to be alone with yourself, don’t be afraid to break away from your partner - the fuller and better you feel alone, the more comfortable anyone will be around you. Become self-sufficient and don’t force your partner to constantly “play nice” with you so that you don’t get bored. Fill yourself, develop yourself, make it interesting for you to be alone with yourself. When both people are full, they share their energy and their emotions with each other. And when one person is full, and the second is empty and constantly filled from the partner, exhaustion occurs and, as a result, a break in the relationship.

3. The desire to study your loved one turns into control.

For the most part, relationships are built in two directions:

1. People try to get to know each other, and love is realized through accepting one's partner as a person. It is comprehended through the interests and habits of a loved one.

2. When partners (or one of them) only take love without giving anything in return. The desire to get to know and accept another person is replaced by the desire for complete control over each other’s lives and attempts to remake and adapt the partner to oneself.

The second direction leads to complete failure and destruction of relationships. This relationship model will not lead to happiness, so try to get to know your partner and accept him. True love comes through acceptance. When you love a person, you accept him, understanding that every person has pros and cons. If both people allow each other to be themselves, then they open up and grow as individuals, and their relationship strengthens and improves. Then conflicts are resolved quickly, since people in this case strive to listen and learn the point of view of another, and not impose their own.

4. Relationships are not put first.

If partners (or one of them) live their own lives, do things that are interesting only to them, and relationships with each other do not come first in their priorities, this is the path to cooling and breaking up.

When both people want a beautiful and sincere relationship, and put the relationship with each other first, their feelings grow and strengthen. In this case, issues related to mistrust, betrayal and lies disappear by themselves.

And when people put children, parents, work, friends, their personal development, in general, anything in the first place, but not their relationship with their partner, they begin to move away from each other. Only after getting married, people are passionate about each other and they are each other's priority. But then priorities change, most often, the husband is passionate about his career and work, and the wife is busy with the children. And that’s it, they are no longer lovers, they are no longer absorbed in each other, not in their relationships, but in something else, which also seems to be vitally important. And this other thing, which also seems to be vitally important, begins to separate people and they lose each other, even if they live together in the same apartment.

This does not mean that they should drive everyone else away, it means that they are a priority for each other, and then everyone else comes. It is important. If harmony, friendship and understanding reign between spouses, if they feel their value and importance for each other, if there is love and joy in their home, then in all other areas of their lives everything will be normal. The relationship between a man and a woman is the center around which everything else is built.

Think about how you spend your free time? Do you only do your own business and interests, or do you spend time with your significant other? Find time for your loved one, communicate, get to know each other, be interested, and then your relationship will grow stronger.

5. Instead of gratitude, people complain about each other.

An important skill for maintaining love and peace in a couple is to be grateful for all the good things. Over time, people get used to each other, the feeling comes that you already know the person very well and there will be nothing new, as a result, something that should always be present in a relationship disappears - the ability to admire. Learn to find something to admire in your loved one every day. Without the ability to admire your partner, you may very soon get tired of him and then, instead of seeing the person’s advantages and advantages, you will begin to see his shortcomings and find fault with every little thing. And constant criticism does not help to preserve the relationship, does it?