How to overcome crises of family life by year. How to overcome a crisis in family relationships? The main signs of family crises

Crises of family life - everyone deals with them differently. Some use advice from friends, some use psychological books, and some can’t cope at all, go with the flow until it washes ashore or breaks this family ship of love on the rocks. Our psychologist Natalya Imtosimi answered questions from our readers about:

• how to build family relationships,
• how to overcome a family crisis,
• and what crises of family life are like.

Crises of family life. QUESTION #1

My husband and I have been living together for five years. I read that this period is very difficult for couples. Our family relationships develop differently, but sometimes it seems to me that crises in family life have already arrived. How to recognize him, does he have any symptoms? And how can we prevent a crisis from occurring?

The family cannot stay in one place, it moves, it is influenced by many factors:

• culture,
• time,
• the appearance of children,
• finding new relatives,
• economic situation.

In this regard, a crisis is inevitable; the family constantly needs to develop new forms of behavior in order to cope with new emerging situations. And you shouldn’t be afraid of a crisis, because it is not only a threat to family well-being, but also an opportunity to strengthen it. “Equipped means armed” and therefore, knowing the forms of the crisis, the tasks that it poses for you, you can consciously manage crises and develop. In each family, crises occur in their own way, and this depends on:

• personal characteristics of the spouses,
• their attitudes towards marriage,
• motives for choosing a spouse,
• values, etc.

Also, each new crisis presents new tasks for you, and the degree of pain, difficulty or success of completing it at the new stage will depend on how successfully you coped with the tasks of the previous stage. Try to analyze whether you successfully coped with the tasks that the crisis of the first year set for you:

• Have you developed YOUR own rules and regulations?
• Have you adopted the positive experience of both parent families or do you still continue to argue “but it was like that in our family!”?
• Have you come to a common denominator, taking into account your own little experience and wishes, how will it be for YOU?
• Have you learned how to conflict correctly?
• Have you separated psychologically from your parental families and become the most important and decisive for each other?
• Have you shared responsibility and created rules?

Now let’s list some features of the crisis that occurs between the third and seventh year of a family’s existence. If a child appears in the family, this can become not only a cause of joy, but also a reason for disagreement between spouses. All the wife's attention is focused on the child, the husband may feel abandoned. Passion and love disappear. The contrast in the spouse’s behavior during the period of falling in love and the way he now behaves in everyday life is painful. A young husband, full of strength and energy, may have sexual fantasies, while his wife has “no time for that.”

There may be little advice here shift the emphasis of your values. Stormy passion can be replaced by the spiritual comfort that you have already acquired. There is no need to obsessively pursue romantic love, pressing on a “sore spot,” each time experiencing new resentment and disappointment. You should not expect the impossible “for the wife to be constantly well-groomed, sexually attractive, passionate, professionally successful, to be a good mother and housewife, to take an active social position, to earn money, and many, many others.” “For my husband to be romantic, always give flowers and expensive jewelry, pay a lot of attention, be affectionate, gentle, spend a lot of time at home, earn a lot of money, hold a good position, enjoy respect in society, take care of my parents and many, many others. ".

Be adequate in your expectations, lenient. Every period of life has its own charms. The romance was gone, but it was replaced by a new, more stable feeling, a feeling of home, family, greater spiritual closeness and kinship. Some habits and preferences of your spouse are less annoying, and you can make a compromise, you can already look at something through your fingers. The distribution of roles and responsibilities has already occurred by this time, but from time to time it may seem to everyone that he is doing more than his spouse and therefore quarrels may arise. If there is a child in the family and the care of him falls on the shoulders of the mother, the man spends more and more time at work, she experiences a feeling of dissatisfaction, professional unfulfillment, and envy that her husband can “relax” there.

Tension, differences of opinion, feelings of deception, and reproaches may increase. Instead of requiring your partner to be sociable, it's important not to become isolated, lead an open life, you don’t need to give up your interests and connections. Do not be afraid let each other go for a while, do not cling or choke each other. Develop, communicate, be interesting to each other. Now there are many projects that allow mothers on maternity leave to develop, earn money, and communicate based on interests. It is also important for the spouse to understand this difficult period for the woman and support her interests, give her the opportunity to rest, and switch from the everyday hassle of caring for a child. A wife can help her husband master his parental role and express requests for child care unobtrusively, lovingly and without reproach.

What else can you recommend to improve family relationships:

1. Don't expect to get the same amount for the 50% you give. Give more, be prepared to receive less. The lower your expectation, the less resentment and disappointment there will be. Be prepared to give 60% and only receive 40%. If everyone takes this as a rule, then over time you will learn to do something nice for each other.
2. Start a serious conversation with the calming and encouraging phrase “I love you”; this will help curb impulsiveness and put you in a friendly mood. You will make it clear that you care about the peace and well-being of your half.
3. Negotiate with your cards open. Say: “I would like such and such” or “This is what I think...”. This will make it easier for you to find a compromise solution.
4. Do not adopt the “ostrich policy” of not recognizing the problem. Recognize, discuss, solve at the moment it arises, and not later when the problem grows like a “snowball”.
5. Be sure to discuss financial issues. Finance is a shared enterprise, regardless of who brings money into the house.
6. Listen to each other, pay attention to each other's needs. Unnoticed, ignored needs tend to lay like a minefield and you don’t know when it will explode.
7. In some cases, it is better to limit painful conversations about marital relationships, avoid expressions of romantic love and discussions of practical problems (for example, raising children). It is better to focus the conversation on the partner’s professional interests and development opportunities.
8. During a crisis, look for a way out on your own, without involving your parents, relatives, or friends. Remember that any careless intervention can lead to the severing of family ties.

Don't be afraid of crises. The word "crisis" in Chinese consists of two characters - "danger" and "opportunity". What meaning you give to it depends on your decision.

Crises of family life. QUESTION No. 2

My parents argue constantly, I already have a husband and three children. How to overcome a family crisis, is there anything I can do to help them?

At this stage, your parents, having fulfilled their parental function, are experiencing the “empty nest” syndrome. The following factors influence the painfulness of the experiences of this period:

• Was the previous crisis successfully resolved, the task of which was to let you go and give you freedom to build new relationships. Mentally healthy parents rejoice when their children are ready to take responsibility for creating their own family. Very often, a mother’s love can ruin the life and ruin the future of her children due to excessive attachment, her own unfulfillment, attempts to achieve her goals with the help of her children and not letting them achieve theirs.
• Did they have a relationship together, or were they united only by children and problems associated with their upbringing?
• How do you experience retirement, loss of usual social roles, activity, productivity, loss of income?
• Decreased self-esteem, age-related changes in the form of emotional and mental disorders. Deterioration in physical health may be their unconscious attempt to get your attention and care, as well as to master the new marital role of “rescuer”, “caregiver”.
• Do they accept the new roles of grandparents. By the way, this is a very good resource, because thanks to the grandchildren, contact with adult children is maintained. Grandchildren also provide an opportunity to relive parenthood, an opportunity to compensate for failures associated with relationships with one’s own children.

Ways out of the crisis for your parents may be:

1. Constructive: the emergence of new areas for self-realization, travel, hobbies, caring for grandchildren, enjoying mature marital relationships, implementing plans that were difficult or postponed due to raising children.
2. Unconstructive: loss of meaning in life, feeling of uselessness, loneliness, decreased creative potential, disappointment in marriage, inability to find satisfying areas of activity that replace raising children and focusing on their lives.

How can you help your parents? Go over the points listed above again and determine what is within your capabilities and what is not. Constant conflicts may indicate that at some stage the parents have lost mutual interest and spiritual closeness. How can you get it back? Is it in your power and strength? And remember that no matter how much your heart aches for your parents, you have your own tasks, the solution of which you cannot subsequently shift onto the shoulders of your children.

Crises of family life. QUESTION No. 3

My husband and I have one child, he doesn’t pay attention to me at all. I'm thinking about having another child. Do you think it is possible to overcome a family crisis with the help of a child? Will a second child help save a marriage?

If the husband does not pay attention, the birth of a child will not only not save the marriage, but will also aggravate the problem. The child should not take on the role of savior of your relationship. This is unnatural. And unfair. Solve the problems of your relationships, contact a professional psychologist.

Family crisis - does it exist? Eh, if this were not so, many couples would not break up, and all children would live in full-fledged families. Unfortunately, there is a crisis in relationships, and in order to overcome it, you have to step over yourself and do the impossible.

However, every couple goes through this. And those who survive the crises of family life with dignity remain together forever. Therefore, you should not be scared and immediately tune in to divorce. Everything is surmountable, and it is not for nothing that they say that happy families went through the same things as unhappy families, they just managed to stay together. And, therefore, they strengthened their relationship.

The most important questions in moments of crisis

Is it worth overcoming a crisis in marriage? Or is it easier to give up and try to find another relationship? This is a dead end path. In any relationship, the same periods of crisis will await you, and running away every time will it work? And then, if there is love and a desire to be together in the family, you should still try to survive these difficult moments. Believe me, after them everything will only get better, and mutual understanding will move to a whole new level.

There is another equally important question. If there is a crisis in a relationship, what to do? And he is fair.

Indeed, a crisis in family relationships is a very difficult time not only for spouses, but also for children. Constant tension, fear, irritation and thoughts that there is nowhere to go further, that’s it, we’ve arrived, a dead end. How to overcome despair? How to get through this stage and emerge victorious? It seems impossible, but the reward is worth the struggle. We will tell you how below.

The most difficult years of marriage: when do crises occur?

Marriage is not an easy job for a married couple, and the spouses can only dream of peace in it. Crises have a very sharp expression, they put pressure on everyone around them, frighten them, and cause bad emotions. They are characterized by a very stormy course, a seeming lack of mutual understanding, increasing irritation or indifference towards each other. If we consider a crisis in a relationship through its signs, they will be as follows:

• The irritation that one spouse experiences towards the actions of the other (and this is mutual).
• Another arrangement of life priorities, according to which the family is relegated to the background (this can be for one of the spouses or for both).
• A clearly noticeable cooling between loving people, an almost complete absence of sex life, a reluctance to share their experiences and thoughts with each other.
• It follows from the previous one: the lack of conversations and common affairs between the spouses.
• On family topics, neither the husband nor the wife can come to an agreement; any attempt to resolve issues of raising children, budget distribution, holding family holidays, etc. leads to quarrels and discontent.

Sometimes you can notice the whole complex of these signs, sometimes only part of it - it depends on the intensity of the manifestation of the crisis in the relationship in marriage, however, even the presence of at least one of these points should already alert you.

Now let's look at family crises by year. There are not so many of them in total, but they are completely different in intensity. Psychologists highlight the following:

• The crisis of one year (or the first family crisis) is based on recognizing your soul mate from not very positive sides and, as a result, disappointment in it;
• Crisis of 3 years (approximate period of 3-5 years from the date of marriage), it is also called a crisis in a relationship after the birth of a child;
• The crisis of 7 years (again, the boundaries are very arbitrary, it can begin closer to 10 years of marriage) often coincides with a midlife crisis and is based on an analysis of life achievements and a reassessment of values;
• The crisis of 10 years (the boundaries extend to 13-15 years) is associated with the growing up of children and related problems.

These are the main crisis stages in the development of every family. Everyone encounters them, and you are not the first, and alas, you are not the last. But knowing family crises over the years is already a big advantage in dealing with them.

Year 1 crisis: disappointments instead of charms

The relationship crisis of the first year is based on the simple truth that while we are dating, we all want to show our best side. After the wedding, life moves into a different direction, and the spouses begin to show their character. There is also another factor present – ​​“grinding in”. Two different people came together, from different families, with different worldviews, and now that all the romance is behind them, they need to build a family life side by side. Of course, this causes some difficulties.

True, such a crisis is overcome quite easily. During this period, love is still strong, husband and wife are not tired of everyday issues, so disagreements are overcome quite simply.

Crisis of 3 (5) years: when there are small children at home

A relationship crisis after 3 years is already more difficult. Often it is associated with children appearing in the family and the burden of responsibility associated with them. Before this, the spouses were together, they were able to pay more attention to each other and show love in different ways.

But now the baby has come to the fore. It is especially difficult for husbands in this situation. Men generally do not like to share their woman with anyone, even with their son or daughter. Dissatisfaction begins to grow, reinforced by sleepless nights, new tasks, and significant changes in everyday life. This all results in a crisis of 3 years of marriage. You can overcome it only if you stock up on wisdom, patience and understanding. And mutual love, of course.

Psychologists advise in the current situation to push into the background one’s own ambitions and the egoism inherent in every person. Do you want to save your family? Grit your teeth and get through the post-baby relationship crisis.

Many psychologists believe that there is still a family crisis for 5 years. But this is a rather vague statement. Often this includes either a late-onset 3-year crisis or an early 7-year crisis. Often its causes are the same as those that cause the 3-year crisis, and therefore many psychologists do not consider 5 years of family life dangerous. Usually, on the contrary, at this time, in many couples, relationships are just stabilizing, the spouses are getting used to life next to the baby, entering a new rhythm and feeling relatively calm.

Crisis of 7 years: when it’s time to change your life radically

The 7 years of marriage are considered the most difficult. As a rule, for most families they coincide with another difficult age period: entering the category of middle-aged people. For many, the crisis of 30 years becomes very difficult, and it is clearly reflected in relationships with husband or wife.

If we take a conventional scale of complexity, then this period will be in the very first place. The routine that has already become quite boring over the time spent together, the dulling of feelings, the departure of romance - all this negatively affects the mood. And the thought involuntarily creeps in: isn’t it time to give up everything and dramatically change your life? A family crisis of 7 years is a very deep and complex phenomenon associated with a complete reassessment of values ​​and a rearrangement of priorities.

Yes, it is difficult. Yes, sometimes you even despair and give up. Yes, sometimes the question arises: how to survive a crisis in a relationship after 7 years, and is it even possible? However, everything is simple here. If you can do it, you will be surprised how tender, warm and easy the relationship between spouses can be. After all, after this period they reach a qualitatively new level.

A relationship crisis after 7 years is a test of your couple’s strength, love, and willingness to do anything for each other. You can survive it only by treating the situation wisely and calmly meeting the disagreements that arise. Conflicts and quarrels can only destroy a marriage.

Crisis of 10 (13) years: older children and new troubles

A family crisis of 10 years is no longer so bright, stormy and scary. It is believed that if a couple has overcome the previous 7-year period, then it is now strong enough and is unlikely to break up. However, life makes its own adjustments. Children grow up and begin to show their character. This is why a new crisis arises in family relationships. It is qualitatively different. Here the conflict develops not only between spouses, but also between generations. The problem of fathers and children - who hasn’t heard about it?

The family crisis of 10 years is a struggle of contradictions between parents and their growing offspring. As a rule, spouses come out of it with dignity, having strengthened mutual understanding among themselves. What about children? Children learn responsibility and begin to slowly enter the adult world.

So, the crisis of married couples is an unpleasant matter, but it is quite banal, and absolutely all spouses have faced it. And it doesn’t matter whether you have lived together for 1 year or 15, it can still overtake and catch you at the most unexpected moment. However, there is no need to get lost. Take all your willpower and remember: this is just a turning point. It will pass, but your loved one will remain close.

Overcoming family crises lies only in your patience and understanding of the situation. Don't make a scandal, don't give in to irritation. Analyze and move on. And you will definitely succeed!

Throughout the life of a marriage, married couples face misunderstandings and conflict situations. Many people think that feelings have faded, the choice of a partner was wrong and the time has come to file for divorce.

Is it really? Perhaps the couple was quietly overtaken by a family crisis? Each of us has heard at least once about a crisis in family relationships; what is a “family destroyer” and is it possible to cope with it?

Psychology of family crisis

According to psychologists, a crisis is the next stage in the development of a couple’s relationship, and the fact that it occurs is a completely normal phenomenon. Ignoring the crisis problem both after the first year of marriage and after 10 years of living together will lead to the development of an acute conflict, and there is a high probability that the family will not be able to resolve the problem and will fall apart. Communication between partners and joint overcoming of a difficult period in their lives, on the contrary, will raise them to a new level of trust, mutual understanding and love.

Whether the couple will be able to cope with the first critical moment on their own depends on the couple themselves and on whether the spouses know how to talk to each other and, importantly, hear each other. Will they be able to overcome grievances, make concessions to their partner and, most importantly, do they want to maintain and improve their relationship?

Everything is individual. A husband and wife, who by nature tend to sort things out in a raised voice, can shout out and understand each other, and civilized silence sometimes only aggravates everything. The problem is growing like a snowball, although in appearance the couple may seem like a model family. You can get out of the crisis only by communicating and trying to understand each other.

For some families, the best option is to contact a family psychologist. If people do not know how to cope with the slightest conflicts, his help is simply necessary. The specialist will select the appropriate methodology used in psychology to resolve crisis situations.

How to understand whether there is a crisis in the family or not? The presence of a turning point in a couple’s life can be diagnosed based on a number of signs:

• partners are not interested in each other, rarely talk and do not make joint plans;
• one of the spouses began to devote more time to work and less time to family;
• partners are indifferent towards each other or, on the contrary, constantly sort things out;
• one of the partners is offended by the other even after his apology and reconciliation;
• husband or wife avoids tactile contact;
• the couple's sexual activity has noticeably decreased;
• there is a disrespectful attitude of a man towards a woman and vice versa;
• relatives and friends were divided into two groups, supporting each spouse separately.

If the above factors are present in the life of a couple, this indicates that it is time to discuss the problems that have arisen and try to eliminate them, thereby saving the marriage.

The main task of each partner is to work on himself and accept his other half for who she is. You cannot save a marriage with accusations and insults; they will most likely contribute to its collapse.

At the beginning of the journey: the first year in new roles

For the first time, a turning point for a young couple occurs during the 1st year of living together. The crisis of the first year of family life is called decisive; according to statistics, about 90% of families cannot cope with it.

The newlyweds plunge into everyday routine, forgetting about the candy-bouquet period. In addition, partners, living together and arranging a common life, begin to learn more and more about each other’s characteristic traits, and the negative qualities of the other half are revealed. Often the reasons are the habits of another person, which become more and more annoying, giving rise to dissatisfaction and a lot of reproaches out of the blue.

If the crisis of the first year has entered the family life of young spouses, the decision to ignore it or wait it out will be a mistake. Only by starting a dialogue and discussing unpleasant moments can you overcome a difficult situation. At the same time, it is worth remembering that you cannot demand that your spouse change, you need to be ready to change yourself, and also learn to accept your loved one.

The family should be a strong foundation for both partners and their future children; it should contribute to the self-development of each family member. Overcoming the crisis of the first year of family life together is, in a sense, even necessary for young people - this is how they learn to solve problems together and define the boundaries of what is permitted in a relationship. The result will be an even stronger marriage union than it was before the crisis.

Five-year plan - in three years: crisis 3–5 years

The next critical moment for a husband and wife occurs after 3–5 years of living together. A man and a woman are faced with a feeling of dependence on each other and are trying to change something. Some suddenly change their field of activity, others make new acquaintances or find a hobby they like.

Often the time of this turning point coincides with the arrival of children in the family. Mothers are immersed in the world of caring for the child, while they may feel the coldness and inattention of their spouse. Men often think that they are in the way, are unnecessary, or even feel jealous.

Naturally, parenthood is a new role for each of the spouses; due to inexperience, it can be frightening and become a reason for another portion of misunderstandings and resentments between partners. With the birth of a child, the family will face financial problems and the need to distribute funds in a new way. Often, in the third year of marriage, dads become workaholics, trying to provide for their family or... escape from family problems.

During a crisis period, psychologists advise learning to trust your other half. At the same time, it is important that each of the parents does not forget who he was before and why his partner fell in love with him.

Monotony and routine: 7 years of marriage

After 6-7 years of living side by side, the partners get tired of each other, and not a trace remains of the former passion. At the moment it is difficult to surprise the other half, all habits are already known and studied. Gradually, routine negates the romantic side of marital relationships. In addition, if a couple does not have common interests, they are bored and uninterested in spending time together.

The turning point after 7 years of married life is considered one of the most difficult. It is associated with a reassessment of personal values ​​and a revision of priorities. Most spouses face problems entering middle age, which makes the situation even worse.

If you let an urgent crisis take its course, most likely the result will be a breakdown in family relationships. A difficult period in the life of a husband and wife seems to test their union for strength and willingness to meet each other. You shouldn’t rush off the handle and throw offensive phrases at your other half; it’s better to remember why the spouses fell in love with each other. Romantic walks, visiting previously favorite establishments or traveling together would be useful.

A couple that can cope with a seven-year crisis will reach a completely different level. Many spouses note that, having overcome a difficult period, they were not only able to come to mutual understanding, but tenderness, warmth and lightness appeared in their relationship.

The first decade is also the last?

A crisis for a married couple after 10 years of living together occurs when the partners are disappointed, feel empty, or have lost sexual interest in each other. Dissatisfaction with one's life results in constant reproaches to the husband or wife; often one of them begins to think about an affair on the side or even has a mistress or lover.

For some time, this gives the cheater the desired emotions, a feeling of something new and bright. However, later, betrayal may turn into even greater disappointment for him, in addition to this, the union with his legal husband or wife will come to an end. About 22% of married couples come to this decision.

The most offensive thing is that after 10–12 years of life, the husband and wife were able to go through a lot together, experienced many problems, gave birth to and raised children, worried when they took their first steps or got sick. If the couple still has at least a drop of trust and mutual understanding, and most importantly, the desire to save their family, the spouses can fix everything (we recommend reading:). To resolve the situation, psychologists recommend doing the following:

Teen Marriage: Mutiny on a Ship

After 15 years of living together, a difficult period is brewing again in the lives of the spouses. The crisis overtakes the husband and wife, who are already over 40, and overcoming it will require more strength and patience compared to earlier critical moments. According to statistical observations, the number of divorces after 15 years of marriage is 19%.

The book by N. I. Olifirovich reveals in detail the causes and nuances of the psychology of crises in family relationships. Already middle-aged spouses constantly experience stress and are in a state of neurosis. The situation is aggravated by the lack of mutual understanding between partners, the onset of menopause in a woman and a natural decrease in interest in intimate life. For men, this period coincides with a midlife crisis, which also has a negative impact. At the same time, there is a desire to become young again and get rid of emotional and sexual stagnation.

Each partner begins to ask himself the question of what he has achieved in life and whether he lived it as he wanted. At the same time, teenage children need the support of their parents, but the latter are deeply immersed in themselves and their thoughts, not noticing other problems. On this basis, conflict situations often arise due to misunderstanding between parents and children.

Irritable adults try to prove with all their appearance that they are still young, while their daughters and sons, on the contrary, strive to appear older than their years. Parents find new hobbies - sports, charity, health practices, or start an affair, while increasingly moving away from the family and leaving the problem unresolved.

It is possible to overcome the crisis, the main thing is not to ignore the problem. The following ways will help you deal with it:

Gray hair in the beard - devil in the rib: 20 years... together?

The turning point after 20 years of marriage, like the previous one, refers to the period when the couple is experiencing a midlife crisis. A man and a woman are overcome by questions about the meaning of life, both overestimate past values.

Parents can be confused, moving further and further away from each other, especially if life was built on the interests of children who suddenly grew up. A couple may feel unnecessary: ​​the children have grown up, become independent, are finishing their studies, or even starting their own family.

It is possible to overcome the crisis; it is worth remembering why you once fell in love with your partner. There is no need to dwell on problems, everyone has black spots, it is important to learn to overcome them together. By being more patient and supporting your other half, you can discover how loving and caring they can be.

The crisis is not the end, but the beginning of a new stage

When faced with a crisis, it is important to understand that it is an inevitable period of relationship development. You should not make hasty decisions, even if it seems that the relationship has exhausted itself.

Listening to each other and trying to find a compromise is the right strategy that will not only save the family, but also make it stronger. To cope with a crisis at any age, spouses should listen to the recommendations of psychologists:

When close relationships begin in our lives, we all believe that they will be special, and all sorts of serious crises and problems will bypass them. However, no matter how determined we are in our intentions to maintain harmony in our relationship with our loved one, sometimes problems still cannot be avoided.

So, how to survive these difficulties with minimal losses?

When does a crisis occur in a relationship and what are the reasons for it?

When does a crisis occur?

After the wedding

As a rule, after marriage, couples begin to live a family life that over time has less and less in common with the relationship that existed before marriage. The atmosphere of romance often disappears, and not all spouses easily cope with everyday challenges.

However, even if the lovers had already lived together before the wedding, the stamp in the passport forces some spouses to look at the relationship differently. If a man or woman was actually not ready for official marriage, then it drives them into depression - one of the spouses begins to believe that his freedom is lost, he has lost his attractiveness to the opposite sex, and so on.

After the baby arrives

Many married couples dream of having a baby, but not all of them realize the difficulties they ultimately face. This is especially true for a couple who have had their first child and who previously had no clear idea of ​​what it was like to care for a baby. If a child turns out to be restless, then this becomes a serious test for young parents.

Treason

Not every spouse is able to come to terms with their partner’s betrayal. Even if a husband or wife forgives his chosen one (chosen one) and agrees to rebuild the relationship in marriage, it is still not always possible to realize this. Subsequently, past grievances make themselves felt every now and then, and ultimately still lead to a crisis.

Possible reasons

• Lack of money. Some psychologists are convinced that quarrels over money arise in families in which calculation prevails or in which husband and wife have unjustified expectations from each other. However, it is obvious that it is difficult to maintain harmony in a relationship if there is not enough money for basic needs, such as simple food and utility bills. It’s one thing if this problem is temporary, and quite another thing if the situation has been dragging on for a long time.
• Lack of time for yourself. When family obligations and work take up almost all the time of one of the partners, and he has no time left for himself (careful self-care, meetings with friends or relatives, hobbies), then this can subsequently develop into chronic fatigue and serious conflict.
• Ordinary. When getting married, most couples are confident that they will be able to maintain the ease of the relationship, but over the months, and even more so over the years, this passion weakens. Of course, some partners still manage to maintain a romantic relationship by giving each other various small and big surprises. However, there are much fewer such couples than those who begin to live an ordinary and even boring life.
• Life Unfortunately, many families have broken up due to such a banal problem as incorrect distribution of household responsibilities, or ignoring them. Often one of the spouses has to take on the lion's share of household chores, which he simply cannot cope with in the end, which leads to a nervous breakdown and problems in the relationship. It also happens that one of the partners periodically ignores the responsibilities assigned to him, which causes dissatisfaction and indignation of his other half.

Is it worth overcoming the crisis in the first year of a relationship or is it better to break up?

For some couples, everything is easy and simple from the first days of their romance, but others have to go through many trials in order to maintain their relationship. If you are faced with the second option, then you should take into account that many lovers experience this problem, despite the ardor of their feelings. If you understand that you really love this person, and he loves you, then still give your relationship a chance. If there are feelings, problems can arise in a completely different area - divergent views on life, different interests, non-acceptance of each other’s habits, and the like. Over the course of a year, many couples learn to adapt to each other, seek compromises, understanding that all people are different, and this is not a reason for separation. If the disagreements are truly insurmountable, and none of you wants to make concessions for the sake of preserving feelings, then it is better to really break off such an alliance, especially if it lasts more than a year.

What to do if the relationship dragged on, but did not develop into marriage

If such a problem arises, and you understand that marriage is really important to you, and otherwise you do not see the romance progressing, then it makes sense to have an open discussion with your partner. Of course, you shouldn’t talk to him about this aggressively or try to pressure him into pity, by doing so you will only push him away from you, and he will feel like he is being forced to take this step.

Start such a conversation only when you are really sure that you are ready to break up, in case the man still does not show interest in getting married. Having found a convenient moment when your chosen one is relaxed (for example, on a day off at dinner), tell him that you have been thinking about your relationship for a long time, and you think that your couple is stuck at a certain stage and has long been ready to start a family. Explain that, despite your feelings for him, you do not believe that you will be able to maintain harmony in the relationship if it does not develop. Note that if a man is not sure that he wants to connect with you in the future, then you do not want to waste either his or your time, no matter how hard it is for you. Do not demand an immediate answer from your partner - invite him to think about your words for a couple of days. If he still does not dare to propose marriage to you, then you need to act decisively - break off the relationship. Only if you are confident that you can go through with it should you have such conversations. By the way, often after such a decisive step by a woman, a man begins to rethink what happened, and, realizing that he is not ready to lose her, he nevertheless proposes marriage.

Crisis in family relationships by year and how to cope with it

Crisis during 1 year of marriage

As statistics indicate, many spouses decide to divorce in its first year. It would seem that during this period feelings should still be fresh, but at the same time other problems arise. First of all, we are talking about living together, which turns out to be not at all what it seemed. In addition, everyday issues gradually crowd out almost all passion and romance from the newly formed union, requiring partners to regularly distribute household responsibilities and change established habits.

Crisis 2-3 years in a relationship

Most often, during this period, a new addition occurs in a young family. In addition, the life of the spouses has just begun to transform - all responsibilities, as a rule, have already been distributed, and the couple lives according to a certain regime. The birth of a child often makes significant adjustments to an established life - many plans are ruined, many habits have to be abandoned. In addition, after 2-3 years of relationship, spouses usually begin to get psychologically tired of each other.

Relationship crisis 5-7-10 years

Another period of crisis in relationships. First of all, it is due to the fact that the husband and wife are just beginning to fully get used to the role of parents. Problems in a couple may arise due to the child’s new social role - he becomes a kindergartener or schoolchild. If a child begins to have conflicts with peers and elders, then mom and dad often perceive this painfully. For the failures of their son or daughter, some parents begin to blame each other or the child himself, which, of course, leads to tense relationships in the family.

The absence of children by this period can also turn into a crisis in the relationship, even if the couple believes that they do not yet feel the need to procreate. Despite the fact that the marriage is stable, the financial situation is established and leisure activities are varied, spouses may unconsciously feel that they are missing something. If, however, a couple strives to replenish the family, but this does not happen, then the risk of developing a crisis in the relationship increases.

How to survive a cooling relationship with your husband

General rituals

To maintain interest in each other, come up with common rituals and follow them - this will create a sense of stability, which is lost during periods of conflict situations. You can go to the gym or take some courses together, walk the dog, cook dinner (at least on one of the days off) and much more. It is important that this happens regularly.

Talking about the future

Often, couples who are experiencing a crisis in their relationship stop dreaming about the future, immersing themselves in current experiences. However, it is during this period that it is important to make plans that you want to implement over time. This will help you realize that the current troubles are temporary, and after some period everything will change.

Support

If there are conflicts in the family due to some failures of the husband, then try not to feel sorry for him, but to provide maximum support. Even if now he feels insecure because of problems at work or some kind of financial difficulties, do not stop showing him that, no matter what, you care about him and you respect him. Listen to his opinion, periodically ask for help with something, so as not to completely undermine his self-confidence.

Intimate relationships

When a difficult period begins in the family, many spouses begin to concentrate on problems, forgetting about everything else - including the intimate side of the relationship. Even if you think that you have lost any desire to have sex, do not give up this part of your married life. Firstly, you probably don’t want additional problems in your relationship, and secondly, as you know, “appetite comes with eating.”

How to get out of a crisis in a relationship to preserve your feelings

Of course, a crisis in a relationship is an extremely undesirable occurrence for any couple. Each partner begins to question their choice and sees it in a completely different light than it was originally. However, remember that this is not a situation where you should rush to conclusions. The most important thing in such moments is to remain patient and also remember to look at yourself and your actions from the outside. It is possible that you yourself provoke your chosen one to actions that ultimately do not satisfy you. It is important to listen to his point of view on this matter and take it into account.

During a crisis in a relationship, patience is the most important condition for maintaining harmony and overcoming difficulties. By demonstrating this quality at critical moments, you will protect yourself from words and actions that can only aggravate the situation in the future.

Having realized that conflict situations have begun to occur more and more often in your couple, do not fall into despair and do not blame your partner for this - any difficulty can be overcome. Don't rush into rash and radical decisions and maintain restraint in the most peak moments.

Every couple experiences a difficult period in a relationship.

It is important to realize that similar problems happen to many couples. At first, a crisis can even bring partners together, but if it cannot be overcome within a year, then this most often turns into even more serious problems - spouses begin to associate relationships with difficulties, survival, struggle and ultimately cause feelings of rejection and negative emotions .

Many psychologists point out that if partners do not have common values ​​for which they can unite, then, most likely, they will separate - it is easier for them to break the union, since it turns out that solving difficulties together is harder than one at a time.

A crisis in a relationship often turns out to be a kind of test for any couple - if the spouses do not pass this test, then this is not always a bad thing. Often, after breaking up, they reevaluate their attitude towards their partner and get back together again, taking into account all their past mistakes. It may also be that breaking the relationship benefits both parties - they are still convinced that they are better off alone than together. However, if the family managed to cope with the problem, then in the future this, as a rule, has a positive effect on the relationship.

A man and a woman join in marriage in the hope of continuing their family line. And for children to grow up intellectually and physically strong, the relationship between two lovers must be stable and reliable. This is the key to the successful functioning and development of the family as a “unit of society.”

Gender relations today are significantly different from the not-so-distant past, which can be characterized by the well-known phrase that “there was no sex in the USSR.” They have become more dynamic, many moral standards, when society looked disapprovingly at the uninhibited communication of young people, now only cause a smile.

Nowadays, young people are in no hurry to register their feelings, the very fact that young people often live in civil marriages, quickly come together and separate, the emergence of single-parent families, when a child is often raised by a single mother, does not surprise anyone now.

A famous song says that “the most important thing is the weather in the house,” and if the stable, warm and trusting atmosphere between spouses suddenly disappeared, then we need to talk about a crisis in family life, which often threatens the very existence of the family.

It is important to know! “An ideal marriage relationship is possible only when it is not a necessary condition for human survival.” I. Yalom. "When Nietzsche cried."

Causes of family crises

Psychologists are confident that crises in family life are a natural phenomenon in the union of two lovers. However, it is necessary to be able to overcome “mood swings” that appear at different life stages of family functioning, each of them has its own specifics. This will only contribute to the development and strengthening of the marriage union.

The psychology of family crises considers two types of circumstances that seriously affect the relationships of loved ones. The former disrupt the normal functioning of the family and can lead to its collapse. The latter allow you to eliminate the negative aspects of life and strengthen marriage, allowing you to take the union of a man and a woman to a new higher level. The causes of difficult situations are most often difficulties of a domestic nature. However, there are many others that can cause a family crisis.

Let's look at this in more detail:

• Age crisis. A husband or wife is experiencing a psychological breakdown associated with a reassessment of their own values, which change with age. At this time, you want to change yourself and your family life.
• Family development crisis. Associated with certain stages of family life, when children appear and care for them. Nursery, school, adolescence, further studies, etc.
• Job loss. If one of the spouses is left without income, this affects the psychological atmosphere in the family. Constant scandals can even lead to divorce.
• Poor relationships with relatives. It often happens that newlyweds live under the same roof with the husband’s or wife’s parents; often such cohabitation leads to a generational conflict, which negatively affects relationships in a young family.
• Change in financial situation. Let's say the wife begins to earn much more than her husband. For false reasons, he began to feel that he was not the head of the family, this leads to conflict.
• Moving to a new place of residence. It is often forced because it is associated with difficult family circumstances, and this is a stressful situation that requires immediate resolution.
• Severe chronic illness of someone close to you. I don’t think any special explanations are needed here. Constantly caring for a patient and a joyless daily environment are not conducive to positive communication.
• Birth of a defective child. You will have to live with this all the years. Not every family is able to survive such a difficult situation without mutual accusations; a severe family crisis is evident here.
• Unequal position in the family. For example, a woman takes care of children and housework, and her husband constantly reproaches him for supporting her.
• One of the spouses devotes a lot of time to work. Let's say a wife reproaches her husband for coming late, and even suspects him of cheating, and his excuses are only a diversion.
• Lack of support at the psycho-emotional level. When the small joys or sorrows of one are perceived coldly by another, like, “come to think of it, it’s nothing special!”, this is fraught with complications in the family, up to a relationship crisis.
• Early marriage. Not every young family is able to overcome the everyday problems that befall them; it can lead to divorce.
• Different views and interests. They seemed to meet for love, but after a while it turned out that they were completely different people with nothing in common in their views on life. A crisis in relations in this case is inevitable.

Remember! There is always only one true love, it must be protected!

The main signs of family crises

If spouses are deaf to each other on an emotional level, this is already a crisis situation. Psychologists say that the vast majority of couples complain about difficulties in communication. Before this main “trigger” of the “showdowns” that begin in the family, all the others seem not so significant, although this is far from the case. They should be taken seriously. There are quite a lot of signs indicating the beginning of a family crisis, when relations between spouses begin to cool.

A characteristic manifestation of a family crisis can be:

1. The couple stopped seeing each other as the only unique person. The routine dragged on - the monotony and monotony of family life, a quick addiction occurred, “the same as everyone else,” common interests disappeared.
2. Lost interest in intimacy. Ordinary fruit becomes boring. Although the reasons may be different, specialist advice is needed here.
3. . On most issues (raising children, finances, relationships with family and friends, etc.) there are disagreements, even quarrels.
4. Reluctance to give in to others. When everything he (she) says and does is perceived with irritation, causes disagreement, and you want to contradict. “This is wrong, this is how it should be!”;
5. Emotional coldness. There is no particular desire to talk, to trust each other with their feelings and thoughts.
6. Too smooth relationships or eternal scandals. The dictatorship of one of the spouses, usually a man, when no one dares to contradict him, creates the appearance of a successful family, in fact, it is a crisis situation. The opposite is constant scandals that undermine family foundations.
7. Reluctance to understand each other. If a conflict situation arises, no one wants to give in or listen to the other’s arguments.
8. Screaming as a defensive reaction in an argument. This is a sign of the weakness of the arguments of one of the spouses; it is worth thinking about this and not bringing the situation to a serious disagreement.
9. Decisions in the family are made by only one of the spouses. There is a serious psychological problem in the relationship, which, if not resolved in time, can lead to a family crisis.
10. No division of family responsibilities. If spouses do not really understand who is responsible for what, conflicts often arise. This state of affairs is typical for newlyweds; it does not strengthen, but weakens the family.

Remember! Only a friendly attitude towards each other will allow you to maintain a successful union of two loving hearts for many years.

Main periods of family crises

According to psychologists, the family is a “unit of society” that is not frozen in its development; its qualitative transition from one state to another is accompanied by crisis phenomena when contradictions grow between husband and wife. And only the ability to recognize and smooth them out in time will help spouses avoid serious disagreements.

The nuance here is that if he and she love each other dearly, the crisis of family relationships is difficult. If the marriage was concluded out of convenience, it may have inexpressive features that are completely invisible to the prying eye.

Psychologists distinguish two types of family crises: normative and non-normative. The first are considered as a transitional stage from one state of the family to another (the birth of a child, begins to speak, goes to kindergarten, etc.) or are associated with the problems of the spouses, for example, the decline of sexual function in men and menopause in women. The second is associated with an analysis of the circumstances that caused crisis relationships in the family.

In the life of a family, there are several periods of family crises, which some psychologists specify by year:

• . Statistics show that approximately 50% of newlyweds get divorced without being married for even a year. The standard explanation is that everyday life is stuck. It is implied that the period of romantic love experiences quickly passed, family relationships, even before they had time to develop, crashed on the “rocks” of everyday problems.
• Second (after 3-5 years of marriage). The spouses have already “got used to it”, children have appeared, you need to think about setting up your “nest”, supporting and raising children, which is associated with concerns about material wealth (searching for a prestigious job, career growth). At this time, a certain alienation occurs on a psychological level, when an involuntary chill appears in the relationship, because the overwhelming worries do not allow them to pay enough attention to each other.
• Third (after 7-9 years of marriage). A difficult period of gradual “sobering up”. The time for rosy dreams is gone forever. Everything has settled down and turned out far from what was dreamed of before marriage. “The Love Boat” is firmly based on the prose of family problems, primarily related to children. The time has come for disappointment from the thought that there will no longer be anything particularly remarkable in life.
• Fourth. It is believed that it occurs after 16-20 years of living together, when children are already quite old, new problems arise with them. And it seems that everything has already been accomplished in his personal life, some success has been achieved in his career, the thought “what’s next?” does not find an optimistic answer.
• Fifth. Occurs when a husband and wife are approaching 50 (although there may be variations when one of the two is older or younger). Connected with matured children, they have already graduated from school, higher educational institutions, fluttered out of their native “nest” and became independent. “Orphaned” parents have to rebuild their lives; they need to somehow manage the suddenly appeared free time, which was previously spent on caring for their children.
• Sixth. Actually, it can be considered as option five. When a son or daughter (having gotten married) stayed to live with their parents. A new family member is always a stressful situation; because of him, you have to abruptly break the usual rhythm of life that has been established for years. Such a crisis in family relationships affects not only the parents, but also the young family, and often ends in divorce. Although there is a positive side here, if the relationship between the “old” and the young is successful, grandparents devote their time to their new grandchildren.
• Seventh. When a husband and wife retire and are left alone, the children have long lived their own lives and, quite possibly, even in another city. The social circle narrows sharply, the spouses feel lonely, and a lot of free time appears, which often has nothing to occupy it with. And here the main thing is to be able to restructure yourself psychologically, to find something you like.
• Eighth. One might say, the last senile crisis period, when one of the spouses dies. The severity of the loss of a loved one with whom you lived your life takes a heavy toll on the psyche, and you have to live with this pain for the rest of your time.

It is important to know! Crises in family life are a fact of normal family development. You just need to know how to overcome them.

Ways to overcome family crises

Modern psychological science does not give a clear answer to the question of how to overcome a family crisis. It’s not for nothing that they say that “husband and wife are one Satan,” and therefore if they have a sound mind and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they themselves need to solve the difficulties that have arisen in the family, and not bring them to a conflict situation, when even the recommendations of a psychologist can become already late.

To prevent this from happening, you should adhere to several general and completely useful tips; they will help spouses not turn an ordinary skirmish into a crisis in family relations:

1. There is no need to harbor resentment. Let's say a husband scolds his wife, but she remains silent with a guilty look. Hidden resentment eats away at the soul. Sometimes you can make a scandal, but you should adhere to certain rules so that it doesn’t go “off scale” when scandals turn into insults and cause a serious, unforgivable offense that is not easily forgotten.
2. You can't insult! In a quarrel, there is no need to get personal: “And you are like this, and your parents and friends are so-and-so...”, it’s better to talk about your feelings, let’s say that “it’s not fun for me to be alone at home all the time.”
3. Don't wash dirty linen out of your family. You cannot insult each other in public; strangers should not know your personal and family problems at all.
4. Remember the “golden rule” of morality. Don’t wish for your loved ones (other people) what you don’t wish for yourself.
5. Learn to be critical of yourself. Put yourself in the place of your spouse, that is, look with different eyes, this will help you objectively assess and sensibly resolve the problem that has arisen in the family.
6. Avoid obviously controversial topics. If, for example, the husband loves football, but the wife does not, try not to touch on this topic.
7. Take your irritation out on paper. Keep a diary, entrust your feelings to it, it will help you calm down. A notebook will endure anything, but a living person can be offended by an evil word.
8. Everyone should have their own corner of freedom. It’s good if living conditions allow it, but even in cramped conditions you need to find a place where you can be at least a little by yourself, alone with your thoughts and feelings.
9. Trust each other. It’s good when each spouse can, say, spend an evening with their friends without fear of serious consequences at home.
10. Same hobby. If a husband and wife have the same hobby, this creates a healthy family climate; such families, as a rule, are conflict-free.
11. Know how to analyze problems that have arisen in the family. Only an analysis of the causes of conflicts will help to resolve them successfully.

Remember! True family relationships are impossible without a trusting relationship between spouses.

How to overcome a family crisis - watch the video

Our only real wealth is our family. You only need to worry about her, “and let her worry about the rest!” I wish everyone a successful life without insoluble family crises!