A natural person is simple-minded, “as he is”; who allows himself to be himself. He loves to tell the truth, express his feelings without any hypocrisy and cunning maneuvers. He lives simply and joyfully, and also sincerely and selflessly indulges in grief.
A person is a skilled manipulator, a strategist, one who looks for “keys” to himself, to situations, to other people, flexible, planning, changing; sets goals and achieves them. Any classification is conditional; there are no “pure types”. And in general there are no “types” - every person is special, one and only. And these two portraits are rather sketches. However, some people gravitate more towards the first pole, while others - towards the second. And sometimes there is a gap between these two “types of people”. They
not only do they understand each other very poorly, but sometimes they even fight (and “fight” is even
not quite a metaphor anymore).
So this is what is good about natural behavior; and what are its disadvantages?
I will not do the same with manipulation (that is, consider in detail its merits and
flaws). This is too broad and controversial a topic.
Let me just say that I don’t put a negative meaning into the word “manipulation”. I don’t mean now unscrupulous, and, especially, criminal manipulations aimed at deceiving someone or causing harm; to benefit at the expense of another person, who, as a result, remains a fool. These are pretty nasty games, and not even interesting to study.
I am now talking about another manipulation - one might say positive; about what's going on everyone
day, and is part of communication between people (except perhaps those people who are so close
in spirit and emotionally, so much our own that you don’t even need to think about anything specially or do anything specially in order to find mutual understanding with them). Sometimes this happens - with a particularly close person you seem to merge in one impulse; and we begin to understand each other almost without words,
feel each other when - you can almost guess desires and thoughts... (and - correctly).
Probably everyone has experienced something similar - occasionally, or constantly, for example, with a loved one
person or with friends. But, more often than not, the differences between people are quite large, including those
who belongs to the same culture, or to the same religion; and “just like that” - nothing good
it turns out...
Yes, in communication, a person who is prone to natural behavior (a natural person) is simply
he will express what is in his soul, he will say what he thinks. And this is what happens most often. Regardless
what kind of people or situation; whether others like it or not - it doesn’t matter... But the man is a manipulator,
at a minimum, think about how it will be perceived, and what is worth saying that it won’t; or which approaches are better - to this or that person, or - the situation. That's the difference. Although, it is clear that one and the same person can behave in one style or another; that is, to be natural,
and a manipulator.
I understand manipulation more broadly than just communication between people; and I consider any kind of psychological practices, meditation, self-improvement technologies, achieving goals, etc. also options for manipulation, even if they are done alone and do not require the presence of a trainer. That is, sitting in the lotus position and meditating is also manipulation, even if there is no teacher nearby to guide this process. And even if the meditation technique is taken from a book. The book acts as an intermediary between the creator of the technology and those people who can learn in this way. This is also a kind of communication and transfer of experience.
However, meditative or similar practice itself is also a kind of manipulation, only
- "With myself". “Communication with yourself” or “agreement with yourself” is not equally good for everyone
sounds.-:) Although this is also a completely normal and common occurrence. And "single"
meditative practice is a manipulation because it assumes a certain purpose for the sake of which it is done; usually this is the achievement of certain states - joy, enlightenment, concentration, etc., and an increase in personal effectiveness thanks to them.
All this is good, if only not for one “but”... A kind of “fog” appears with various kinds of practices, techniques, etc.; and a person ceases to distinguish truth from lies, genuine from surrogate. And then he begins to lie to himself about his feelings and experiences. For example, if the slurping colleague opposite is very annoying, it is useless to use some positive thinking practices to convince yourself that “in fact, this is all bright and joyful.” This will only not help, but will harm, because, firstly, such behavior teaches you to lie to yourself; and, secondly, in this way you can only drive the problem deeper. In such a situation, even natural behavior is much more useful, even if it is rude - just dare and say directly what you don’t like...
Natural behavior can be described approximately in the following images and metaphors. Express your
feelings... Act as you feel. Listen to yourself, your feelings. To do so
how you feel inside... Do as your heart tells you. Be sincere. To tell the truth.
Do what you want. Fulfill your desires. Be yourself - as you are, or - as you are.
Now, if someone or something causes natural joy, love or pleasure, then
- sincerely express these feelings, or - do what caused them.
And if someone or something causes hatred, aggression, anger, you also don’t need to be shy, and you can freely express all these feelings if you want. This is sincere, honest, without any hypocrisy.
So, the pros and cons
natural behavior.
pros
Sincerity;
+ honesty;
+ simplicity;
+ it’s easier to be happy, enjoy life;
+ creativity;
+ more opportunities for insights, discoveries, even genius (because natural
the person is much less “confused” than many other people; A natural person has fewer restrictions “from the mind” - various kinds of filters, “glasses”, etc.);
Direct, subtle, very precise, and in this sense - an adequate response to situations and people;
+ a clear mind in its own way, the ability to penetrate to the very essence, to distinguish truth from lies and any games;
A good understanding of other people, their motives - a “natural person” senses what is in someone’s soul, how people actually relate to each other;
Increase in natural personal strength, as one tends to rely on oneself (rather than on social expectations,
guarantees, etc.);
Can very significantly change situations, his life (since there is a lot of power and few social, cultural, etc. restrictions);
Has good opportunities for self-knowledge, awareness of oneself (because, again, social and cultural filters interfere less), one’s self; acquiring what is called the inner core;
a natural person can become very aware, wise;
Can meet true love, friends with whom deep long-term feelings are connected.
Minuses
Not free (the freedom of a natural person is very illusory - neglecting social and cultural filters, he finds himself captive of the instinctive principle, and becoming like an animal, degrading is the main danger for him);
Excessive aggression (a natural person is forcedly aggressive because he constantly
you have to “fight”, this is a rude, boor);
- primitive egoism;
- irresponsible in communication, does not care about other people (especially those with whom he is not connected)
close ties), to their feelings, can cause emotional,
psychological trauma, and at the same time engage in self-justification or are not very aware of the consequences;
Not critical of yourself;
- externally accusatory - inclined to see the causes of all problems externally, or in other people, and perceive himself as the “navel of the earth”;
- “wild”, destructive, uncultured, chaotic, dissolute, extremely inconsistent, disrespectful to other people;
In its pure form, the “natural model of life” leads to degradation.
Such a person consistently degrades to an animal state; and also experiences a chronic internal conflict (he is “at war” with civilization and culture, and at the same time, one way or another, enjoys its benefits, if, of course, he is not quite a declassed homeless person).
The ideal "natural man" is Mowgli. Nevzorov once gave such a funny example. Mowgli - yes, he is beautiful in interaction with Akella, but only when it is an artistic image. And if the real Mowgli came into the studio, the first thing he would do was “overdub” somewhere in the corner, then break the window, break all the microphones, etc.
Or, the second metaphor is Pavlov's dog. If you make someone angry, start getting angry. If you don’t like someone, you don’t need to “be a hypocrite” and hide this dislike or try to control it, or understand its reasons, change it, etc. Behavior is based on the “stimulus-response” principle, that is, there is a lack of choice, which is the lack of freedom. Although, at the same time, this is an illusion of freedom, because “he does what he wants.”
The natural man is like a child. Just not in the “infantile” sense; but in the sense - wild, pristine, unclouded, and even archaic. But he is wise, truthful, and feels very ACCURATELY. Perhaps he is even a saint, in the true sense of the word, an ascetic, or a holy fool. Although, if we talk about holiness, asceticism, hermitage, then culture and religion are already present here. Mowgli will not become any saint. He will become simply wild.
In general, “building relationships,” especially in a couple, is very often a surrogate for love. This is a lie, hypocrisy, artificiality. It’s even worse when a fake is sold, passing it off as pure gold. However, “natural behavior” leads to savagery and degradation, especially if a person does not know how to do it differently...
And you need subtle professionalism!
Surely in your life you have come across such a concept as manipulation. And, perhaps, you were its object (they tried to exert psychological pressure on you) or its subject (you yourself used your “levers of influence” to change the situation in your favor).
Agree, the word “manipulation” is initially negative. As a rule, if we are offered this way of solving a problem, we are judgmental about it. “So that I could manipulate someone?! Fi-i-i-i. This is unworthy” Not to mention those cases when we ourselves find ourselves a victim of manipulation. If these operations are carried out in a “bearish style” and we realize that they are trying to hone the skill of influencing us, our indignation will know no bounds.
Let's think a little in this article: Is manipulation definitely bad? Or are there positive aspects to this concept?
Manipulation. What kind of animal is this and what is it eaten with?
Let's start with definitions.
In the endless network you can find the following definition for manipulation:
But tell me, is each of us really so angelically pure that we never had the intention of “forcing a person against his interests” to do something? I am begging you! Yes, this is exactly what we do every day!
We manipulate our loved ones: husbands, wives, children, parents and more distant relatives. In case of production needs, we manipulate colleagues. And cases of manipulation of us by high authorities can generally be considered classics of the genre.
And if we turn to such a fertile occasion for this topic as lovers? Here you can collect 1000 and 1 example of manipulative techniques (even if their performer does not realize this). Sighs near the display case with your favorite ring or boots. Theatrical exclamations: “Oh, how lovely!”, worthy of an Oscar. Eyes like Shrek's (below the belt). Heavy artillery in the form of tears, poor health (with all the ensuing consequences), loss of strength and a classic case of headache (although it’s still worth figuring out where manipulation ends and blackmail begins). You can also recall a less elegant approach: raised tones, accusations (“You don’t love me!.. You would love me - (and then the action that, in the opinion of the accuser, should be taken in the name of love) is indicated) and even hysterics - God forbid you become a witness or participant.
So it turns out that almost any of our body movements associated with another person, any interaction with another individual of our species, is to one degree or another in the nature of manipulation.
Manipulations with minus sign
(If you have a question - is there something with a plus sign, then I assure you that you will receive an answer to this question, only a little later)
So, how can you figure out that you are being manipulated and this is an action with a negative bias? Pay attention to how you feel. If you feel “out of place,” you feel uncomfortable, this conversation, this request, this situation weighs on you—these are sure bells that something wrong is happening. And if you feel coerced, an attempt to go against your will, a desire to take advantage of you - this is no longer a bell, but a real alarm bell. If as a result of this “trick” you agreed to what you were being persuaded to do, even if you didn’t want to, consider the manipulator’s action a success.
And here we are faced with a huge variety of approaches and options for manipulation with a minus sign. Moreover, in appearance they may be completely harmless and not even remotely related to an attempt to influence another person. But it is not without reason that in the definition above we noted that manipulation is a “hidden psychological technique.” And often we get hooked without even noticing it.
You can even influence a person simplyhinting him for something. For example, a mother can only hint to her son that something is wrong with his beloved. He himself is already conjecturing what was left unsaid. This will be imprinted in his mind for a long time. And in the future it will influence his relationship with a woman.
To influence your interlocutor, you can influence himunconscious . This is somewhat reminiscent of hypnosis. This is how gypsies act, luring money out.
Immerse the person inNice memories about something that is dear to him, for example, about your vacation together the year before last. That's it, the person is ready to swallow everything you tell him. He is overcome by pleasant emotions, and at this moment you can ask him for anything.
The words spoken in conversation withby a stranger . For example, you have already told your husband directly many times that he does not know how to fix a faucet. But he didn’t pay any attention to your words. However, as soon as you mention in a conversation with a friend that your husband is a klutz, these words will be imprinted in his brain forever.
This method is used by managers in communication with subordinates. If a manager praises an employee privately, it will not have the same effect aspraise in the presence of the whole team .
Another method of influencing a person ismake him feel confused . You can push a person to take some action by stunning him with something. For example, in the middle of a conversation about a work topic, you can suddenly ask your interlocutor: “Do you like chocolates?” And immediately you can safely provide any information you need.
This is only an incomplete list of manipulative tools. But let's move from the negative to a more pleasant conversation and discuss whether there are...
Plus sign manipulation
I think definitely yes! Since you and I agreed that almost any interaction between two people gives rise to manipulation in one way or another, why shouldn’t it have positive properties?
After all, for example, a wife can awaken in her husband an interest in, say, self-development. Just by example. The fact that she enthusiastically studies something, goes somewhere, changes herself externally and internally. Because it clearly benefits her. At one fine moment, her husband may become interested: “Where are you going, maybe I should go with you?”, “What is this you’re listening to, maybe you’ll give it to me?”, “What is this you’re reading, Maybe I’ll be interested too?”
Was it contrary to the interests of the spouse? Yes. The influence was produced gradually, which means it can be called a “hidden psychological technique”? Yes. Did the person, as it were, “himself” want to do this? Yes. There is manipulation. But it already comes with a plus sign.
Yes, one could argue that this is a play on words and definitions. However, I am pleased to hold the view that manipulation can encourage better things.
For example, parents’ love of books, an example of how enthusiastically they buy new books, how voraciously they read, can encourage a child to also start reading.
For example, a wife wanted to organize an unforgettable vacation. She described all the delights of the family, created such a “delicious” picture of the upcoming vacation, and brought up such interesting facts about the country where she wanted to go that everyone voted in favor with both hands. And the end result was an unforgettable journey.
For example, you started running in the morning. You don’t drag anyone along with you, don’t forcefully promote a healthy lifestyle, don’t shame or highlight your achievements. You just return from a run happy and joyful, full of strength and energy, you are losing weight every day, and you also met a handsome man. Do you think your companion or your children will be able to resist joining you?
For example, you can covertly manipulate your emotions. We noticed: there are torch people. As soon as they appear somewhere or communicate with someone, it becomes lighter, brighter, easier. And the gloomy mood can dissipate under the spell of their influence.
And examples of gallantry and chivalry for the sake of a beautiful lady? How many times has it been noticed: with one girl a guy can be ordinary and unremarkable. On the other hand, to become a hero who shows his best qualities.
Instead of output
If the main motivating motive for your manipulation is goodness, light, love, harmony, trust, calmness, then I give my vote for it.
And answering the question of the title of this article, I will once again exclaim: “Yes! Plus sign manipulation exists!”
So let's learn to influence others in a way that makes them and this world a better place. And the most important thing is to do it sincerely.
The obvious fact about the use of manipulation is that it is unethical behavior. In what case can it be acceptable? Many of the proponents of using various tricks talk about one-time transactions and short-term perspective. If you are focused solely on the result, and the relationship does not matter much, then it does not matter to you what the other party thinks after the agreement is concluded: after all, most likely, there will be no other transactions.
But let's approach this issue from the other side; Can we always say with complete confidence that the deal being concluded is the first and last with a given person? Every day the world is becoming more and more crowded, and especially with the development of modern information technologies. If your opponent decides that you have treated him unfairly, then a wide circle of people may find out about this. I consider this a positive thing, since it is the fear of being caught that deters most people from using various dirty tricks.
To answer the question about manipulation in negotiations with a client, it is enough to imagine yourself in the client’s place. Let's abstract from ethics and morality, looking purely at the practical side of the issue. Each of us is someone's client. Imagine what you would feel if you found out that your partner, supplier, or just a stranger on the other side of the table was manipulating you. Often, this can cause irreparable harm to relationships, and certainly this approach has nothing to do with customer focus. The fact that most companies, however, use manipulative tricks along with slogans about the importance of customer relationships once again confirms that only behavior and actions can serve as a true indicator of true intentions.
Is there any justification for manipulation?
Certainly. This is what 95% of people who are “caught red-handed” do. Most of them say the goal was self-defense. After all, if the other side uses tricks, then we must take certain measures, which, as it seems to many, involve the use of other tricks. There are also those who live by the principle “I’m like everyone else”: since others use such techniques and achieve results, why can’t I?!
But do such views increase trust between partners? No. I am sure that many will agree: what you definitely cannot trust are the words of a person who has already tried to use you for his own purposes. Manipulative behavior in negotiations indicates that the other party wants to get more from you than is actually owed to them. The manipulator sees you as an adversary, not a partner, and, using tricks, tries to influence you in his own interests.
How to deal with manipulators?
The only reason anyone needs to understand manipulation is to combat it. To counteract manipulation, first of all, it is necessary to identify it, and for this you need to understand which of them are most common.
Below are some tips to help you better deal with manipulators during negotiations.
- If you don't understand the reasons why the other party is behaving a certain way, consider whether they are trying to manipulate you. Manipulation is an attempt to hide your true intentions. Always make sure you understand the nature of your partner's behavior.
- Recognized manipulation immediately loses its effectiveness. Learn to identify various manipulations; there is specialized literature and training for this.
- As part of the negotiation process, do not show that you have recognized the manipulation; the very fact is already enough to deprive it of its power. Otherwise, you risk complicating your path to agreement.
In recent years, more and more experts are inclined to believe that the manipulative approach is more harmful. Even the staunch supporters of the “take everything without giving anything” tactic have weakened their position a little. However, there is a great temptation to use some technique during negotiations and get a “bigger piece”. In such cases, always remember the possible consequences and the ethics of negotiation, which pays off many times over in the long run.
The main thing is not to deceive yourself with excuses that manipulation is just a forced measure. There are many ways to deal with them without becoming manipulative, and learning these techniques will make you an even better negotiator. As a recognized expert in the field of negotiations, professor, wrote in one of his books Gavin Kennedy: “The use of manipulative techniques only looks good to those who avoid looking in the mirror.”
Any negative always has a positive side. Is there anything positive about manipulation? At first glance, no. So why is manipulation still successful in some cases?
The main secret of the success of manipulation is its direction. Imagine a manipulator who wants to gain some personal benefit at the expense of another and does not take into account the benefits of the other party. This manipulation will work once or twice, but it will not have long-term success. And sooner or later the manipulator will receive a rebuff.
What if the purpose of manipulation is to obtain personal gain, taking into account the benefit and interest of the other party? Most likely, such a manipulator will be called a sweet and pleasant person. This is what masters of manipulation use most often. Essentially, there is a transaction “you - for me, I - for you.” It’s good if the transaction is understood and declared.
“You deserve it!” - and the sense of self-worth immediately kicks in: “Me? Certainly! I deserve to use such cosmetics!” And naturally, no attention to either its composition or its quality.
“A good housewife chooses...” Well, who doesn’t consider themselves a good housewife? And it doesn’t matter whether the advertisement is telling the truth, the main thing is that using this product, I will consider myself a good housewife.
“If you can’t see the difference, why pay more?” Oh, of course, I'm frugal! Why would I buy a “name” company when there are inexpensive products with the same quality. I'm not stupid enough to pay for a “name”! And pride in oneself is bursting! Are you sure there is no difference? Did you check it yourself or did you just “buy” into the advertising?
“Your girlfriend left, but her friend remained...” Why dwell on the unpleasant? Life is beautiful, and you have to take everything from it! I live “in the Eastern way” - “here and now”!
Continue: “I choose the best for my family!”, “...say yes to great skin,” “nanotechnology...”, etc.
It is very funny to watch such statements. You can immediately determine which category of citizens this advertisement is intended for. Watch, it will give you pleasure - finding that button that advertisers are trying to press. This will help you not to fall for any kind of advertising and be more attentive to what is actually offered.
What do you think - what does manipulation and motivation have in common?
Imagine, some smart guys are sitting in the management of your organization, and they are thinking - what kind of carrot should they give in order to buy you? Yes, yes, exactly to buy you, your time, your work, your efforts, your abilities, in order to earn more money from you? It’s good if they think about you at least a little. But how often does this happen?
The thinking goes something like this: we’ll give Vasya a couple of thousand in salary, he’ll be happy, and he’ll bring us twenty to thirty thousand in profit. And for the holiday of March 8, we will give Sveta an Etoile certificate, and she is ours forever and ever; there is no need to be afraid that such a valuable employee will leave.
Have you ever wondered if motivation is extrinsic? External motivation is always a deal, a sop so that you work well. How often do you fall for this kind of manipulation? Did your boss touch your buttons?
But if we talk about motivation seriously, then this is only an internal impulse, this is the primary reason for actions. What is your inner impulse? What was your internal motivation for taking this or that job? Why did you choose this particular place of work, this company? This is a great topic for self-exploration, for understanding yourself.
But this is all an external manifestation.
Let's see what happens in the emotional sphere of a person who has succumbed to manipulation. If you know how to observe yourself, your feelings and sensations, then you can see very interesting processes. But even if you don’t notice your states, the processes still take place, but only at your subconscious level.
And yet, what happens in the emotional sphere?
With any manipulation, whether a person is conscious of it or not, he will feel internal states of contradictory emotions that are incomprehensible to the mind. That is, he can simultaneously feel joy and anxiety, inspiration and discomfort, pride and resentment.
An attack of anger may arise out of nowhere after an insignificant remark.
While peacefully discussing seemingly insignificant problems, a person may feel groundless anxiety.
If after a conversation with a person you have constant processing, analysis or conjecture about what your communication partner really wanted to say, the so-called “word mixer” or internal dialogue with the interlocutor turns on, then you have become a victim of manipulative behavior. All your energy goes into internal conversations.
If you are not aware of the manipulative behavior of your interlocutor, then at a subconscious level your psyche is destroyed. Namely: mixed emotions, anxiety, feelings of guilt and feelings of inferiority, the unconscious nature of negative emotions, a decrease in your self-esteem, feelings of confidence, self-esteem, inappropriate behavior - this is the price of both your manipulative actions and reactions to the manipulation of your interlocutors. Agree, this is not the best thing that can happen to you during communication.
The only way out of this vicious circle is to increase awareness.
Sincerely,
Tatiana Ushakova.
The obvious fact about the use of manipulation is that it is unethical behavior. In what case can it be acceptable? Many of the proponents of using various tricks talk about one-time transactions and short-term perspective. If you are focused solely on the result, and the relationship does not matter much, then it does not matter to you what the other party thinks after the agreement is concluded: after all, most likely, there will be no other transactions.
But let's approach this issue from the other side; Can we always say with complete confidence that the deal being concluded is the first and last with a given person? Every day the world is becoming more and more crowded, and especially with the development of modern information technologies. If your opponent decides that you have treated him unfairly, then a wide circle of people may find out about this. I consider this a positive thing, since it is the fear of being caught that deters most people from using various dirty tricks.
To answer the question about manipulation in negotiations with a client, it is enough to imagine yourself in the client’s place. Let's abstract from ethics and morality, looking purely at the practical side of the issue. Each of us is someone's client. Imagine what you would feel if you found out that your partner, supplier, or just a stranger on the other side of the table was manipulating you. Often, this can cause irreparable harm to relationships, and certainly this approach has nothing to do with customer focus. The fact that most companies, however, use manipulative tricks along with slogans about the importance of customer relationships once again confirms that only behavior and actions can serve as a true indicator of true intentions.
Is there any justification for manipulation?
Certainly. This is what 95% of people who are “caught red-handed” do. Most of them say the goal was self-defense. After all, if the other side uses tricks, then we must take certain measures, which, as it seems to many, involve the use of other tricks. There are also those who live by the principle “I’m like everyone else”: since others use such techniques and achieve results, why can’t I?!
But do such views increase trust between partners? No. I am sure that many will agree: what you definitely cannot trust are the words of a person who has already tried to use you for his own purposes. Manipulative behavior in negotiations indicates that the other party wants to get more from you than is actually owed to them. The manipulator sees you as an adversary, not a partner, and, using tricks, tries to influence you in his own interests.
How to deal with manipulators?
The only reason anyone needs to understand manipulation is to combat it. To counteract manipulation, first of all, it is necessary to identify it, and for this you need to understand which of them are most common.
Below are some tips to help you better deal with manipulators during negotiations.
- If you don't understand the reasons why the other party is behaving a certain way, consider whether they are trying to manipulate you. Manipulation is an attempt to hide your true intentions. Always make sure you understand the nature of your partner's behavior.
- Recognized manipulation immediately loses its effectiveness. Learn to identify various manipulations; there is specialized literature and training for this.
- As part of the negotiation process, do not show that you have recognized the manipulation; the very fact is already enough to deprive it of its power. Otherwise, you risk complicating your path to agreement.
In recent years, more and more experts are inclined to believe that the manipulative approach is more harmful. Even the staunch supporters of the “take everything without giving anything” tactic have weakened their position a little. However, there is a great temptation to use some technique during negotiations and get a “bigger piece”. In such cases, always remember the possible consequences and the ethics of negotiation, which pays off many times over in the long run.
The main thing is not to deceive yourself with excuses that manipulation is just a forced measure. There are many ways to deal with them without becoming manipulative, and learning these techniques will make you an even better negotiator. As a recognized expert in the field of negotiations, professor, wrote in one of his books Gavin Kennedy: “The use of manipulative techniques only looks good to those who avoid looking in the mirror.”
